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Band 4

Some people say that too much attention and too many resources are given in the protection of wild animals and birds. Do you agree or disagree about this opinion?

#people #attention #resources #protection #animals #birds
There is a tremendously controversial perspective heating a debate
whether
Change preposition
about whether
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 people devote full
attention
 and resources
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the preservation of untamed
animals
 and birds.
While
this
 statement is valid to some extent, I would contend that it may do more harm than good. Without a shadow of a doubt,
attention
 and
money
 should be
drew
Wrong verb form
drawn
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on
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to
show examples
 and spent on the protection of undomesticated species. Given the
fact
Add a comma
fact,
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 the great slaughters of
animals
 from reckless and irresponsible actions of humans trigger the irreversible consequence that a wealth of untamed species and birds are on the verge of extinction.
Furthermore
, in the long run, it will jeopardize the ecosystem on
grounds
Correct article usage
the grounds
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 that it disrupts the food chain in wildlife. An eclectic mix of undomesticated breeds can be cited as remarkable examples
such
 as rhinos’
horn
Fix the agreement mistake
horns
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 and tigers’ bones. They are preyed on purpose with a view to having precious parts of
animals
,
hence
, cuc Phuong reserve
on
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for
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 the time being acts as a home for numerous breeds
are
Correct pronoun usage
that are
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 dead owing to illicit hunting. In conclusion,huge
fundings
Fix the agreement mistake
funding
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 should be cashed in wildlife conservation.
While
 the
preservations
Fix the agreement mistake
preservation
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 of undomesticated
animals
 are widely acknowledged, the notice should not be taken of only reservation rather
than
Correct word choice
apply
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a huge amount of
money
 and
attention
 should be allocated
for
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to
show examples
 other industries
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
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 backbone industries
such
 as healthcare and education. It is clear to say that education plays a paramount
crucial
Correct word choice
apply
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role in thriving a national economy because the more
money
 and
attention
 are invested
in
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apply
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, the more
highly-educated
Correct your spelling
highly educated
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 the workers are. Germany, which is one of the most prosperous and flourishing countries, can be cited as a remarkable example when it abolishes tuition fees for all of the students. In summary, people should make investments in other facets. In conclusion,
although
money
 should be allocated
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 wildlife preservation, it
also
 should be made use of for other backbone industries.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but there are issues with logical structure and flow of ideas.
task achievement
The essay provides a complete response with clear and comprehensive ideas. However, it lacks relevant specific examples to support the points made.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • biodiversity
  • ecological balance
  • species extinction
  • wildlife conservation
  • sustainable development
  • ecosystem services
  • habitat destruction
  • endangered species
  • conservation efforts
  • natural heritage
  • human encroachment
  • poaching
  • genetic diversity
  • climate change
  • environmental stewardship
  • protection measures
  • wildlife sanctuary
  • biological significance
  • conservation biology
  • environmental advocacy
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