IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6

Some people believe that young people who commit serious crimes should be punished in the same way as adults. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #crimes #adults
The juvenile delinquency rate is on the rise, some people
argued
Wrong verb form
argue
show examples
 that there should be strict discipline for their wrongdoings. I personally agree with the given opinions to some extent, but I believe that there are some measures that could tackle the situation. On the one hand, I believe that imposing severe punishments on young perpetrators would set an example for would-be
criminals
, regardless of age. First of all, imposing both ways for young and adults will decrease the crime rate, especially declining
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the reoffending level.
Therefore
, harsh punishments
such
 as the death penalty and life imprisonment should be included in juvenile sentences,
this
 could spread a warning to future
criminals
.
Secondly
, teenagers who commit crimes at an early age
were
Wrong verb form
and are
show examples
 put into detention centres for a certain period of time tend to backslide to their old illegal lifestyle.
As a result
, young people may consider committing a crime
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
normal and they will certainly keep repeating their wrongdoings.
Additionally
, inappropriate punishments for them would leave injustice for the victims.
While
 the victims are suffering the consequences of the delinquent's action, the
criminals
 receive a light prison sentence just because they are not old enough for legal responsibilities.
On the other hand
, I think that the best solution to limit the level of young offenders is to provide them with a better education. To exemplify, if children are well-educated and have the best conditions to develop, they will avoid bad behaviours.
Moreover
, young perpetrators should be given the chance to have a restart and time to reflect on their harmful actions. In conclusion, I think that the government should impose both strict regulations and improve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education quality
as well as
 rehabilitation for teenagers who commit felonies.
Besides
, the government should
also
 take
account
Change preposition
into account
show examples
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
improving rehabilitation centres to help young
criminals
 have a better subconscious after committing crimes.
Submitted by nguyenthuytien1609 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Provide more detailed and specific examples to support your points.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that the logical structure and flow of ideas is consistent throughout the essay.
lexical resource
Expand your range of vocabulary to express ideas more precisely.
grammatical range
Use a variety of complex sentence structures and pay attention to grammatical accuracy.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: