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Band 5

Some people believe that money is the most important factor for achieving happiness. However, others believe that happiness has nothing to do with money. Do you agree or disagree? Give your own opinion and examples

#people #money #factor #happiness
A few individuals are of the opinion that being rich is the primary reason to attain a happy
life
while
 others are of the view that materialistic things cannot buy
your
Change the word
the
show examples
 joys of
life
. I completely agree that money cannot be the sole reason for anyone to feel content and happy .
This
 essay shall discuss the same
along with
 a few examples.
Firstly
, we all know that some things in
life
 cannot be bought. Things like love, loyalty, trust etc. are traits and values that cannot be attained through monetary transactions. They are either inherent or earned over a period of time by people and
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 only
grows
Correct subject-verb agreement
grow
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 as individuals mutually work upon themselves and
along with
 others. To state an example, if you love someone, you do not fall in love with their bank balance, rather you get attracted to the qualities the person possesses.
Secondly
,
while
 money can get you certain comforts in
life
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it cannot make you enjoy them to the best of it. We see so many rich people suffering from major illnesses
due to
 which they are restricted in so many ways, like their diet, body movement, etc. Being cash-rich might help them get
a
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apply
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good medical treatment from the best in class doctors and hospitals but neither it can buy their joy and freedom to go anywhere, eat any food nor can it force their loved ones to take care of them.
For instance
, my uncle who has inherent(LR) family wealth has a heart problem
due to
 which he is hospitalized and can only have a set diet. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
while
 money can get you a few comforts in
life
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
it cannot buy
your
Change the pronoun
you
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 the pleasure to live
life
. One must prioritise working
upon
Change preposition
on
show examples
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
oneself
show examples
 and their values to attain happiness
instead
.
Submitted by shailjameel2410 on

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task response
The essay provides a clear perspective on the topic and supports the argument effectively. However, the logical structure could be further improved to enhance the clarity of the points.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented and effectively summarize the key points of the essay. The coherence and cohesion between paragraphs are strong, leading to a clear flow of ideas.
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