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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Modern lifestyles mean that many parents have little time for their children. Many children suffer because they do not get as much attention from their parents as children did in the past. Do you agree or disagree?

#lifestyles #parents #time #children #attention
many people argue that contemporary society makes people
being
Verb problem
apply
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busier than in the past leading to
they
Correct pronoun usage
them
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don`t
Verb problem
not
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have
Wrong verb form
having
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 much time for their kids ,
whereas
 others suppose children get less attention
for
Change preposition
from
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 their
parents
.
Therefore
 , I believe that
parents
 still spend as much as
their
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 occasion on their kids.
To begin
 with, I agree with the first part of
this
 statement that with the faster pace of the world , the workforce is changing
that
Correct word choice
and
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 people should adapt to a whole new workflow .
For example
 , gender equality has gotten stronger which means women increasingly play a crucial role in the community.
Moreover
 , because of the pressure of life
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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both
parents
 have to work out to pay for expensive living costs and the basic
demand
Fix the agreement mistake
demands
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 of life
such
 as electricity, water bills, house rental , children`s school fees and entertainment.
As a result
, adults spend as much as possible their time on work at least eight hours .
However
 ,
parents
 seem to seek the right balance between profession and family.
while
parents
 take responsibility for their work , they will
be sent
Wrong verb form
send
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 their kids to school and
then
 when they go home they spend
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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quality time with their families
and
Correct word choice
apply
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especially on weekends and holidays.
For instance
 ,
according to
 tourist companies during ten years , the number of family
travel
Correct subject-verb agreement
travels
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is
Wrong verb form
been
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 increasing every year. Another thing, nowadays there are so many activities to bond family-related between father, mother and children like helping on their home works, extracurricular courses for family. In conclusion, finding a life balance is an important thing for any individual, it is necessary to take care of children to develop themselves
mental
Change the word
mentally
show examples
 and
physical
Change the word
physically
show examples
.
Submitted by thuy.hong.cyc on

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Task Response
Ensure that the introduction clearly states your opinion on whether parents have little time for their children or not.
Task Response
The conclusion should summarize the main points and reiterate your opinion.
Coherence and Cohesion
Spend more time on planning your essay structure to improve the logical flow of ideas.
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