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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that in order to prevent illness and disease, government should make efforts in reducing environmental pollution and housing problems. To what extend do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #illness #disease #government #efforts #pollution
These days,
government
 actions and the health care system play
crucial
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a crucial
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 role to raise and maintain public health, so there is a common belief that
government
 and municipal authorities should try to decrease the environmental pollution and accommodation issues. I am convinced that effective
government’s
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government
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 actions in order to reduce the environmental problems can work positively.
Government
 should take
the
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apply
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plenty of steps to make a substantial reduction in
the
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apply
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environmental concerns
such
 as air pollution
associating
Wrong verb form
associated
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 with
the
Correct article usage
apply
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chronic diseases.
Firstly
,
government
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the government
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 could introduce an innovative law to replace
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
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dated items and
approach
Fix the agreement mistake
approaches
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 with innovative ones. If authorities propagated constructively using
of
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apply
show examples
more
Correct your spelling
eco-friendly
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eco- friendly
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eco-friendly
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 items in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society, we would be living in
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 cleaner environment. Take automobile factories in developed counties as an example, municipal
government
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governments
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 are enforcing them to replace
an electric cars
Correct the article-noun agreement
an electric car
electric cars
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 with petrol-driven ones which are emitting a huge number of pollutants into
air
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the air
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 daily,
therefore
this
 measure can make a reduction in
a
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the
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 number of patients hospitalized for their lung illness and
also
 the burden on
health
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the health
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 care system.
Secondly
, prevention of construction nearby power station.
In other words
,
administration
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the administration
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 can make conscious efforts to hinder
to build
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building
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residential
Correct article usage
a residential
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region
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regions
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next
 to some power
station
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stations
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such
 as nuclear and electricity because of
disposal
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the disposal
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 of toxic waste and
creating
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creation
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air
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of air
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 pollution. As a consequence, these individuals are apparently prone to infection, so
regime
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the regime
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 should hinder to
build
Wrong verb form
building
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new
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of new
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 construction near these places to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
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chronic disease like cancer.
Finally
, allocating
the
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apply
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enough budget to build an appropriate
house
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houses
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 for the deprived people. Some underprivileged citizens living on the margins of society have no access to
the
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apply
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clean water resources,
thus
 they are more at risk of
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
infectious illnesses. As a consequence, municipal authorities should try to secure funding to build
the
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apply
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suitable shelters
where
Correct word choice
that
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 have
an
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apply
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effortless access to
the
Correct article usage
apply
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clean water resources to reduce
an
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apply
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infection. In conclusion,
reduction
Correct article usage
a reduction
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 in the illness would be done by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
Correct your spelling
through
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thorough
Correct your spelling
through
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 the enforcement of a new law to utilize the more environmentally friendly tools, the prevention of accommodation nearby infected places and devoting suitable facilities to less well off citizens.
Submitted by shokoohghavami on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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