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Band 7.5

What are the advantages and disadvantages of smartphone ?

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Smartphones have become globally popular
due to
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 their uses and most importantly the benefits they give to their users and consumers. Since its release, it has made communication a whole lot easier. Aside from that, it
also
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 paved the way for more accessible socialization through the creation of social media
such
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 as Facebook, Twitter and Instagram. The invention of
this
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 gadget has offered a variety of advantages to people, one of which is using it to contact family and loved ones who are in far-flung places
such
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 as overseas. In the Philippines, its use is really felt especially as Filipinos account for a huge percentage of migrant workers abroad. Aside from that, it
also
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 allows for leisure time as there is a great amount of entertainment that can be found online. Platforms
such
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 as YouTube, TikTok and the like give patrons the privilege to relax and unwind by watching various content. Another advantage of a smartphone is its ability to provide information which is very helpful not just to those who are studying but to the majority of its consumers as well. As much as there are a lot of advantages, there are
also
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 disadvantages that can be seen in the rise of cellular phones. One that can be seen is its effect on people's lifestyles. We have become more lazy and lenient in everything that we do because we know that just merely by clicking, we get to have our answers in our hands.
On the other hand
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, fake news has been a great problem too
cause
Correct word choice
because
show examples
 a lot of content creators are allowed to post their content online without proper research. There's
also
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 little to no amount of websites that can filter these false topics being posted which the public can access anytime and pose a great deal of misinformation among readers.
Furthermore
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, it
also
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 poses a threat to our health. It is proven that gadgets emit harmful rays that harmfully affect the cells in our bodies. Some research even shows a number of individuals acquiring illnesses
due to
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 prolonged exposure to these electronic devices. Anything
that is
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 excessive is really not good for us, not just gadgets but everything in general. It is up to us that we discipline ourselves on how we use it and take it to our advantage. As they say, everything is good but in moderation.

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task achievement
Your essay is well-structured with a clear division of advantages and disadvantages. An improvement would be to add a concluding sentence to the introductory paragraph, which sets the stage for the body paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Be careful about using repetitive words and phrases, such as 'aside from that.' Try to vary your language to maintain reader interest.
task achievement
Make sure to cite some statistics or external sources when mentioning facts, like the harmful rays emitted by gadgets, to give more credibility to your points.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both the advantages and disadvantages of smartphones, providing a balanced view.
task achievement
Your essay includes relevant specific examples, such as the use of smartphones by Filipinos working overseas, which adds depth to your points.
coherence cohesion
The essay is logically structured with clear paragraphs, and your ideas flow smoothly from one to the next.
coherence cohesion
Your conclusion succinctly wraps up the discussion by emphasizing the importance of moderation in using gadgets, which effectively rounds off your essay.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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