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Writing Samples
Band 5

There is an increasing trend of old people living longer in many countries around the world. Do you think this has a positive or a negative effect on the population as a whole?

#trend #people #countries #world #effect #population
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Nowadays, a general trend has been observed that
aged
Correct article usage
the aged
show examples
 population tend to live longer than usual
due to
 better health facilities and advanced medical sciences. Some
people
 opine that
this
 has a positive impact on the general community
whereas
, some believe that it has a detrimental effect. I personally agree with the former statement because it implies that science has improved over the
years
 and humankind has played a major role in it. Earlier, the average age of humans
were
Change the verb form
was
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 approximately fifty
years
 but
due to
 the efforts of
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
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, healthcare has now come leaps and bounds which is why
people
 now live for more than seventy
years
.
Therefore
, the number of elderly community has increased
since
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the past
years
. They can make a lot of difference for others living around the world because they have lived their lives and
therefore
 can act as a torch to guide the young generation
deal
Fix the infinitive
to deal
show examples
 with certain circumstances better.
Moreover
, they act as a source of inspiration for the remaining crowd.
For instance
,
people
 who started their own
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 and have children to inherit can be better directed by them. Children can learn from their mistakes and avoid making them in the future.
Such
 small instances make a bigger difference in making any country gain financial advantages.
On the other hand
, there are some
disadvatages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
 of
people
 living longer like it
is gives
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
immense pressure on resources,
new
Add an article
a new
the new
show examples
 generation can
also
 become dependent on the old age community and may not be responsible the way they should be.
However
, there are a lot of benefits that
outweighs
Change the verb form
outweigh
show examples
 the drawbacks.
To conclude
, when the
elder
Correct word choice
elderly
show examples
 population live for a longer duration it has a positive impact on other
people
living
Verb problem
apply
show examples
because they act as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for them.
Submitted by biswal.akankshya on

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task achievement
Your essay provides a complete response to the prompt, but it could benefit from more specific examples to support your points. For instance, you mention that elderly people can guide the younger generation, but providing a concrete example would strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of your essay is good overall, but there are some areas where the flow of ideas could be smoother. For example, the transition between discussing the advantages and disadvantages could be more cohesive.
coherence cohesion
You have a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your essay well. Ensure you summarize your main points briefly in the conclusion to reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Your introduction clearly sets out the topic and your position on it, which immediately engages the reader.
task achievement
You have made efforts to support your points with explanations, making your argument more convincing.
coherence cohesion
The essay is concluded effectively, summarizing your stance and reiterating the positive impact of an elderly population.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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