IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Some people say the main way to be happy in life is to have a lot of money. How might having a lot of money make people happy? What other things in life can make people happy?

#people #life #money
It is commonly believed that having enough
money
 is most important for our happy
life
 and many
people
 would not deny
this
 fact.
However
,there are
also
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
may
Correct your spelling
many
show examples
 other things that bring us
satisfaction
Add an article
the satisfaction
a satisfaction
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 our
life
such
 as having great
health
 and personal achievements for our
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
. In discussing
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
happiness,it is obvious that
money
 is an essential factor as it makes
people
 live conveniently and comfortably, so if they earn plenty of
money
 to be able to have a financially stable
life
, they do not need to be worried a lack of
money
.
This
 could affect one’s mental
health
 by letting the person
struggeling
Correct your spelling
struggling
 with solving his financial problem.
Therefore
, it is easy to see that
people
 value having
abundant
Add an article
an abundant
show examples
 amount of
money
 the most in their
life
.
On the other hand
, there are
also
 many
people
 in our society who live so happily without a lot of
money
. It is because they believe that
happiness
Correct article usage
the happiness
show examples
 of one’s
life
 depends on each mindset, so the
people
 find
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
full satisfaction in their
life
 when they feel a sense of accomplishment from their work or study.
Also
, keeping oneself in good
health
 should be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the priority for a happy
life
 because it is evident that losing
health
 means
to lose
Change the verb form
losing
show examples
 everything in our
life
.
This
demonstrate
Change the verb form
demonstrates
show examples
 that we can find happiness without having a lot of
money
. In conclusion, even though
people
 could be pleased by spending
money
 to have all the things they need, there are many other precious ones
such
 as individual achievement and great
health
 that can not be purchased with
money
 for our happy
life
.
Submitted by monica750221 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Financial security
  • Basic needs
  • Comfort
  • Luxury
  • Freedom
  • Altruistic
  • Philanthropy
  • Nurturing relationships
  • Fulfillment
  • Sense of accomplishment
  • Physical well-being
  • Spiritual beliefs
  • Community involvement
  • Gratitude
  • Mindfulness
  • Simple pleasures
What to do next:
Look at other essays: