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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Some people think that in the modern world we are more dependent on each other, while others think that people have become more independent. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #world
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In the ever-connected modern world, some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that we are more dependent on each other while others may argue that
people
Use synonyms
 rely on other
people
Use synonyms
 less than before and have become more independent. In my point of view, I totally agree with the latter stance, and supporting reasons will be discussed in
forthcoming
Correct article usage
the forthcoming
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 paragraphs. On the one hand, there are a few reasons for arguing that
people
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 are more dependent on each other.
To begin
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 with, there are a number of difficulties in the
present day
Add a hyphen
present-day
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 life
such
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 as inflation and high competition in
working
Correct article usage
the working
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 industry. As for
the
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apply
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inflation, financial assistance
are
Change the verb form
is
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 needed by young
people
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 from their parents due to
increasing
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increase
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 in living costs.
Moreover
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, due to the fact that having connections is significant nowadays,
people
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 are encouraged to keep in touch with other
people
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 in order to increase
chance
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the chance
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for
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of
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 getting employed in big companies.
On the other hand
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, I believe that many
people
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 become more independent because of several factors. The main factor is advancement in technologies which has huge impacts
to
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on
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 our society. Whereas
people
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 had more interaction
between
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with
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 each other in the past, they have become more independent since
smartphone
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smartphones
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 and
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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are existed
Change to the active voice
exist
have existed
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.
For example
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, some young
people
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 do not have many friends since they are addicted to playing
mobile
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on mobile
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phone
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phones
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.
Furthermore
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, due to covid situation,
people
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 need to do
isolation
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isolated
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 leading to less dependency
between
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among
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people
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 In conclusion,
although
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people
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 are still dependent on other
people
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 in some ways , they are less
rely
Replace the word
reliant
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 on others
for
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in
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 several senses in terms of new
invention
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inventions
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 and
pandemic
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pandemics
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.
Submitted by milsiwach on

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • interdependence
  • globalization
  • technological advancements
  • collective action
  • digital evolution
  • minimal reliance
  • direct interaction
  • empowered
  • access to technology
  • societal expectations
  • personal choice
  • leverage
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