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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many parents encourage young people to leave home when they become older, while others think they should stay at home with the family. Discuss both views and give your own opinion

#parents #people #home
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It has become increasingly prevalent for young adults to leave home before getting married. In my opinion,
this
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 is a positive trend taken as a whole because it fosters independence but it can have rare debilitating financial drawbacks. The main drawback to moving out early is losing a parental safety net that safeguards financial stability. In large cities
such
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 as New York, real estate prices are so high that without a high-paying
job
Add a comma
job,
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 you will struggle to contend with rent, food, transportation costs, and allowances for leisure activities. It is even possible that these hardships could prove overwhelming and pride may prevent
your
Correct pronoun usage
you
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 from going back to your parents. These individuals might end up taking a job with a low salary or
that is
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 not their passion. The aforementioned drawbacks are the exceptions; the majority of people who move out are successful because they become self-reliant. A standout example of
this
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 is the typical American university student. Most students leave their parental home at 18 and never look back. These students take their first baby steps towards looking after themselves by doing their own laundry, managing their finances to an extent, and taking
on campus
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on-campus
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 employment. Once they graduate from university they will likely take over their entire financial outlay.
This
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 means they must find a good job and spend more responsibly. These qualities, of frugality and responsibility, will serve them well in their lives and increase their odds of future success. In conclusion, the majority benefit from the added responsibility that leaving home brings. To encourage more people to move out parents should provide a degree of financial support when necessary but focus
moreso
Correct your spelling
more
 on fostering their children’s independence.
Submitted by lethithut123 on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, consider offering a more nuanced discussion of both viewpoints. While the essay provides a clear opinion, balancing the discussion more evenly between the positives and negatives of both perspectives might showcase a deeper understanding.
coherence cohesion
Improving coherence can be achieved by integrating more transition phrases for smoother flow between paragraphs and ideas. Although your essay is logical, adding phrases such as 'on the other hand' or 'in contrast' when switching from drawbacks to benefits could enhance cohesion.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both clear and effective, framing the discussion well and summarizing your opinion in the end.
task achievement
The essay provides relevant and specific examples, such as citing American university students, which enhances your argument and illustrates points effectively.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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