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Band 6.5

In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the school promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

#countries #food #restaurants #companies #money #schools #school #products #children #development
These days, in some nations, fast food chains and corporations support
schools
 financially to promote their goods to pupils. In my opinion,
this
 has a plethora of negative and positive effects on school
children
.
This
 essay will
further
 elaborate on my visions with illustrations and a lucid conclusion in the forthcoming paragraphs.
To begin
 with,
schools
 may afford their students' requirements by gaining money from these eating places and businesses. By receiving money, colleges are able to set up new facilities that students benefit from.
For instance
, my university's engineering department has an agreement with a cafe and
this
 cafe makes a high profit by selling fast food.
This
 is beneficial for both the university and the cafe.
Secondly
, the administration of
schools
 would set up new facilities by using financial aid so that teenagers use them.
Additionally
, giving an opportunity to choose restaurants the freedom to
children
 makes them more confident.
On the other hand
, allowing these restaurants into
schools
 may lead to diseases if they are unhealthy.
This
 is because fast food contains high sugar.
Hence
,
this
 may result in heart
diseases
Fix the agreement mistake
disease
show examples
as well as
 obesity.
For example
, the latest study, conducted by researchers reveals that %67 juveniles eat fast
foods
 at
schools
due to
 being easily accessible.
Moreover
,
this
 research, surprisingly illustrates that more than half of the parents of these pupils permit their
children
 to eat healthy nutrition rather than junk
foods
. In conclusion, to recapitulate, the aforementioned arguments, It is acceptable that fast-food restaurants and brands aimed to sell their
foods
 at
schools
 because of their profits.
However
, authorities should make regulations and restrict fast
foods
 in
schools
due to
 their
adversely
Change the word
adverse
show examples
 impacts on
children
.
Submitted by emircanby on

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task achievement
Ensure to provide more balanced arguments for both positive and negative effects, as well as link them explicitly back to the development of children.
coherence cohesion
Improve transitions between ideas to achieve better flow and readability. This will enhance the logical structure of the essay.
task achievement
Expand on the examples given to better illustrate and support your points. This will contribute to more comprehensive and clear ideas.
task achievement
The essay successfully introduces the topic and provides a clear stance.
coherence cohesion
The concluding paragraph effectively summarizes the main arguments.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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