IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

There are many different types of music in the world today.why do we need music?is the traditional music of a country more important than the international music that isheard everewhere nowadays?

#music #world #country #isheard #everewhere
It is true that in recent years, an increasing number of different types of
music
 have been introduced bu popular singers around the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
world.
Therefore
,
music
 is a real passion of many human cultures for a range of reasons.In my opinion,traditional pieces of
music
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 more important than international ones.
Music
 is something that cheers all of us up throughout our lives.It could really put people in a pleasant mood even in hard times
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 anyone experiences in life.As children,we are all taught something by our teachers or parents as a means of learning languages or as a form of enjoyment.
Therefore
,children delight in singing with children
this
 fact leads to creating a great connection between participants ,regardless of their age.Later in life,when they become older, pieces of
music
becomes
Correct subject-verb agreement
become
show examples
 a vital part of their life stories.
Music
 and its lyrics indicate great emotions in a way that words alone could not express them.
Hence
,it has been recognized
why
Correct word choice
that
show examples
music
 can be a key role in many of our lives.
Although
 several international performances have been much popular ,traditional ones should be known .
Firstly
 traditional
music
 alone expresses the culture and history of a country.
Therefore
,some
Change preposition
of
show examples
the traditional styles with traditional instruments like’Setar’ or ‘The Tar’ connect us to the past and they can identify our culture.
Secondly
,if traditional
music
 will be supported more than international pop
music
 which ,by the
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
way are often catchy,many local musicians and producers can enhance their career in
this
 way .,
Also
 they can provide high-quality pieces of
music
 with strong lyrics
then
.
Thus
, the
music
 industry will be improved and attract many youths in
this
 field.
Finally
,it would be a real pity ,if international
music
 become so predominated that these national styles disappeared.7 In conclusion,
music
 is a necessary part of human joy due to its importance in human moods.In my opinion,the traditional style has more importance than the international one.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: