IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7

Shops should not be allowed to sell any food or drinks that have been scientifically proven to be bad for people’s health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#shops #food #drinks #people’s #health
There are many scientific advances to get know what contains the
food
 and drink that we buy.
Thus
, there are who believe the proof of bad aliments that damage
Correct article usage
the
show examples
population´s
health
 is a reason to restrict the sale by grocery shops. In my opinion, I agree as it will greatly benefit society. A good reason to limit the sale of harmful
food
 is the public
health
system
 could be improved. At the present, in many different ,
countries
 public
health
 is saturated and the diseases are related to what the population eat.
For instance
, Chile has a problem with obesity because the population buy
food
 without have care about the damage.
Therefore
, the
health
system
 is saturated, as a consequence,
people
 have to wait for months for an appointment but if government stop the sale of bad
food
this
 should help to diminish the saturation
system
. Another point to consider is that having prohibited detrimental aliment means that the population will no longer have many
health
problems
 at the same time a good benefit to society. Indeed, there are studies to show
countries
 happier is related to good
health
.
Nevertheless
, some think the contrary, in developed
countries
 it can be seen that fewer
people
 with
problems
 with what they eat and the life of the society is happier than in
countries
 that do not pay attention to the
health
system
.
Finally
, if the government can reduce the rate of
illness
Replace the word
ill
show examples
people
, the public spending on healthcare will be reduced,
this
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 means, they can invest money in other
problems
.
For example
, the money could be used for education, protecting the environment or reducing poverty. In conclusion, bad
food
 and drinks ought to stop to sold in grocery shops as brings many benefits for the societies.
Furthermore
, scientific
advance
Fix the agreement mistake
advances
show examples
 are a good tool to get to know about what
people
 eat and reduce
health
problems
.
Submitted by roberto.carrascopizarro on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Regulations
  • accountability
  • retailers
  • public health
  • consumer choice
  • diet
  • banning
  • health education
  • awareness campaigns
  • economic impact
  • job losses
  • small businesses
  • complexity
  • beneficial
  • harmful
  • quantity consumed
  • individual health conditions
What to do next:
Look at other essays: