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Band 4.5

Some people think that personal happiness is directly related to economic success. Others argue that happiness depends on different factors. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #happiness #success #factors
Economic pressure leads to anxiety, so some
people
 believe that joy is brought by high income, while other
people
 state that other factors will
also
 bring
happiness
.
This
 essay will investigate both views but believes the latter opinion. On the one hand, there are two reasons why being rich can become happy. One reason is that economic success can allow
people
 to purchase anything they like. As they are wealthy, they do not have economic pressure and they do not have to worry about financial issues. They can simply purchase anything they like without thinking twice. Another reason is that economic success can allow
people
 to undergo different experiences. When
people
 are wealthy, they can buy experience
on
Change preposition
by
show examples
 participating
some
Change preposition
in some
show examples
 interesting activities that can bring
happiness
.
For example
, they can travel to
Antarctic
Correct article usage
the Antarctic
show examples
 or national parks to enjoy the stunning view.
On the other hand
, there are two reasons why
money
 is not the factor that affects
happiness
.
Firstly
, not everything can be bought
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
money
. There
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 something that cannot be purchased,
for
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
like
Change preposition
apply
show examples
family’s
Change the noun form
families
family
show examples
 accompany and love. Some
people
 may be wealthy but unhappy because they prefer spending time with their families. There are so many factors that could bring
happiness
 other than
money
such
 as friends and families.
Moreover
, having
money
 does not give
people
 life meaning. Some
people
 lose their
goal
Fix the agreement mistake
goals
show examples
 or
passionate
Replace the word
passion
show examples
 after having economic success as they do not have any more life
target
Fix the agreement mistake
targets
show examples
, and
this
 may cause them
become
Add the particle
to become
show examples
 depressed.
As a result
,
money
 is not the factor that
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
happiness
 as there are other factors. To conclude,
although
money
 may allow
people
 to purchase the thing they want, it is definitely not directly related to
happiness
.
Submitted by chloelwy3905 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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