IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some parents offer their school-age children money for each high grade (mark) they get in school. Do you think this is a good idea? Use specific reasons and examples to support your answer.

There are parents who offer
money
Use synonyms
 to children to motivate them to study, especially for higher scores. In my opinion,
money
Use synonyms
 could work as a reasonable motivation for education
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
this
Linking Words
 approach has significant drawbacks. Generally, some
carrying
Verb problem
caring
show examples
 parents could do anything to foster a child to a bookwork, they
encouraging
Wrong verb form
encourage
show examples
 an endeavour to study for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
future wealth and the methods they use
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 vary.
Firstly
Linking Words
, they use positive motivation
such
Linking Words
 as inducing
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
engagement, giving
money
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 or
subterfudging
Correct your spelling
subterfuge
 with future promises.
Secondly
Linking Words
, they use negative motivation
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 could
also
Linking Words
 lead to great results,
such
Linking Words
methods
Check wording
apply
show examples
as depicting future losses, the worst career path or shallowness. There
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 a number of motivational methods apart from the aforementioned, but what I can tell exactly is that paying the children to make them study
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 has an enormous consequence that should be
suggested
Verb problem
considered
show examples
. The first example is about my ex-husband, all his childhood
he
Punctuation problem
, he
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has been
Wrong verb form
was
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 given
money
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 for high grades. He developed
as
Change preposition
into
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 a preposterous man, but he did not like what he
is
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 doing. When I tried to ask him about his satisfaction with the job, he told me that labour is about the amount of
money
Use synonyms
 you
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 get and nothing more. It sounded desperate. Another example is my friend Olha, since her young age, she has been taught that the best stuff in life is coming with interest, and for well-being, you should do whatever you are concerned about at the moment. Since school, she has studied only the subjects that she liked at the moment.
Moreover
Linking Words
, she took off in the career of an analyst and she is truly passionate about her current occupation, despite
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 having less salary compared to my ex-husband.
To conclude
Linking Words
, as I can see from examples taught to me via life,
money
Use synonyms
 treatment could result in a senseless career path because the person tends to select whatever is well-paid and badly distinguish
own
Correct pronoun usage
their own
show examples
 interests
thinking
Punctuation problem
, thinking
show examples
 that
money
Use synonyms
 is the biggest gold.

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coherence and cohesion
Your introduction could be clearer. Make sure to state your opinion directly in the thesis statement.
coherence and cohesion
Try to use simpler and clearer sentences. Some sentences are a bit confusing.
task achievement
Expand on your points with more examples. Make sure each idea is explained well.
task achievement
You presented relevant examples from personal experience, which connects to your points well.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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