IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphone Why is this the case? Do you think this is positive or negative development?

#children #hours #smartphone #case #development
In
this
 contemporary area, a wide range of
children
 are exposed to technology,
such
 as
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
smart phones
Correct your spelling
smartphones
show examples
 that
this
 is the main gadget that has filled the spare
time
 of
children
 for hours. The Young generation plays a crucial role in
prospect
Correct article usage
the prospect
show examples
 of society,
this
 begs the question; are the negative aspects of
this
 development, outweigh the positives? I subscribe to the notion that would effects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
children
 imperfectly.
First
Correct article usage
The first
show examples
 and foremost contributing factors that take the
children
 on
important
Add an article
an important
the important
show examples
 part of the list is because of that they are vulnerable and immature. To
explanation
Replace the word
explain
show examples
, juveniles have a deep passion
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
 seeking on the internet and finding new attractive matters.
As a
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 they may find the
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 that
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
would increase violence and vandalism in the
children
.
In
addition
Add a comma
,addition
show examples
researches
Fix the agreement mistake
research
show examples
 have shown that not only using
cellphone
Add an article
a cellphone
show examples
 as a faster and portable gadget would not be lucrative but
also
 would intensify their exposure to
harm
Replace the word
harmful
show examples
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
.
Secondly
, due to
phone
 addiction among
children
, the rate of
time consuming
Add a hyphen
time-consuming
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
using
Add an article
the smart
show examples
smart
Correct your spelling
smartphone
show examples
phone
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased.
This
 phenomenon leads to
disrupt
Replace the word
disruption
show examples
 in their learning course of action. Regarding positive aspects,
this
 is an absolute privilege having the young generation that has been accustomed
by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 technology as fast as they could by their smarts
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. To illustrate, governments do not need to make plans to
lean
Correct your spelling
learn
show examples
them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
new technology. In another
scenario
Add a comma
,scenario
show examples
children
 waste their
time
 by overusing
Correct article usage
the phone
show examples
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
.
Hence
 they need
take
Fix the infinitive
to take
show examples
 more
time
 on their curriculums. Contrary, smartphone limits their opportunities to go out and
being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 with
real
Add an article
a real
show examples
friend’s
Unnecessary verb
friend
show examples
 not
online
Add an article
the online
show examples
 version. Ultimately they would feel
depression
Replace the word
depressed
show examples
. To conclude, nowadays
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
numerous
children
 are taking
time
 on their cellphone dramatically. Wasting
time
 and exposing bad
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 are the negative aspects of
this
 issue. There is no doubt that those reasons convert
children
 into an important case.
Submitted by marzieh.kava on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Engrossed
  • Distracted
  • Addictive
  • Digital natives
  • Virtual reality
  • Interactive
  • Online gaming
  • Social media platforms
  • Connectivity
  • Social engagement
  • Information access
  • Learning tools
  • Peer influence
  • Societal pressure
  • Alternative activities
  • Recreational facilities
What to do next:
Look at other essays: