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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Young people are often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others in the same age. This is called "peer pressure". Do the disadvantages of peer pressure outweigh the advantages.

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In the cutting-edge era, the young generation is often influenced in their behaviours and situations by others of the same age, known as "peer pressure". From my perspective, the disadvantages of these notions will outweigh their advantages
due to
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 various reasons which will be discussed in impending paragraphs. To commence with, there are some merits of
this
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 sensitive issue. First and foremost, vast knowledge would be learnt by the youngsters in a short period of time. To elucidate, if young people are influenced by others of the same age, it will help them to acquire information about their surroundings at a faster rate since there is less generation gap between them it would make their conversation easier.
For instance
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, a survey
has been
Wrong verb form
was
show examples
 conducted on 1000 kids in the
U.S
Correct your spelling
U.S.
 in 2018, which articulated that 61% of them were influenced by their companions
due to
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 which they had more information about their surroundings than
that
Correct determiner usage
apply
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39% of youngsters who were isolated from the world because of a lack of friends in their life.
On the contrary
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, there are certain groups of people who vehemently contend that there are multifarious drawbacks of enforcement. Primarily, it would make teens acquire bad habits. To explicate, getting
in
Change preposition
under
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 "peer pressure" will
cause
Verb problem
have
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 a detrimental impact on juveniles as kids of their age can force them to do
such
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 things which are not only bad for their health
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
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 for their guardians.
Besides
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this
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, another concrete demerit is that it would lead children to misbehave with their family members. To elaborate, after an
influcement
Correct your spelling
enforcement
inducement
 by their friends, youngsters can do some tasks which could hurt their parents
due to
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 which their guardians have to face many difficulties in order to overcome their children's bad habits.
To conclude
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,
although
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 there are some merits of the enforcement of teens by their friends, there are many disadvantages of influence meant in the contemporary epoch which outweigh its advantages
due to
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 several reasons, which are the acquirement of bad habits
as well as
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 hurting their parents.

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples and evidence to support your ideas.
coherence cohesion
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task achievement
Provide a more balanced discussion by considering both sides of the argument.
lexical resource
Use more varied vocabulary to enhance your lexical resource.
grammatical range accuracy
Pay attention to sentence structure and grammar to improve your grammatical range and accuracy.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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