IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many working people get little or no exercise either during the working days or in their free time, and have health problems as a result. Why do many working people not to get enough exercise? What can be done about this problem

#people #exercise #time #health
Most officers have been recently seen overworking even
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
weekend or
holiday
Fix the agreement mistake
holidays
show examples
.
As a result
,
this
 affects their
health
 and
become
Correct subject-verb agreement
becomes
show examples
 worse because they don’t have
time
 to do
exercise
.
This
 essay will examine possible reasons and
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 situation. One of the
first
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 is
that office workers
Change the determiner
that office worker
those office workers
show examples
 mainly focus on doing their working tasks
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 a long
time
, which make them exhausted after work and don’t have
time
 to do
exercise
. Even if they have free
time
 or
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
weekend
Add an article
a weekend
the weekend
show examples
, they will only want to relax after a long week. That
also
 leads to the
second
 reason, everyone likes social media
such
 as TikTok or Facebook. After a long working hour, workers usually want to stay
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their beds and use their
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
instead
 of working out because these apps make them relaxed and entertained.
As a result
 of not doing any physical activity, employees have a high chance of getting obesity, backaches and other
health
 issues.
Therefore
, one of
solutions
Add an article
the solutions
show examples
 to
this
 problem is to have a balanced life between working and relaxing. Officegoers
also
 need to organize a gym or yoga class every week. If they are
to
Correct your spelling
too
show examples
 busy, some YouTube channels have some 5-minute or 10-minute
exercise
 classes for them to practice at home.
In addition
, they can use stairs in their company
instead
 of elevators to improve their
health
. In conclusion, people must do
exercise
 because it
does
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
not only improve their
health
 but
also
 help them concentrate on doing their business.
Submitted by sallytran240928 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Time constraints
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Passive leisure activities
  • Workplace wellness programs
  • Active commuting
  • Subsidized
  • Public awareness
  • Health benefits
  • Incentivizing
  • Accessible public spaces
What to do next:
Look at other essays: