IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in an effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Owing to the problems which a growing population of overweight people cause for the
health
Use synonyms
 care system, some people think that the key to solving these issues is to have more
sport
Use synonyms
 and exercise in
schools
Use synonyms
. I completely agree that
this
Linking Words
 is the best way to tackle the issue of deteriorating public
health
Use synonyms
 in relation to weight.
Firstly
Linking Words
, dealing with the issues surrounding obesity and weight problems is best solved by taking a
long term
Add a hyphen
long-term
show examples
 approach and introducing more
sport
Use synonyms
 and exercise in
schools
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 method will ensure that the next generation will be healthier and will not have
such
Linking Words
health
Use synonyms
 problems. At the moment, the average child in the West does
sport
Use synonyms
 possibly twice a week, which is not enough to counteract their
otherwise
Linking Words
 sedentary lifestyle.
However
Linking Words
, by incorporating more sports classes into the curriculum
as well as
Linking Words
 encouraging extracurricular sports activities, they will undoubtedly become fitter and more active. Another point to consider is that having more sports lessons for
children
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
 will probably result in
children
Use synonyms
 developing an interest in exercise which might filter through to other members of their family and have a
longer lasting
Add a hyphen
longer-lasting
show examples
 effect.
In other words
Linking Words
, parents with sporty
children
Use synonyms
 are more likely to get involved in
Use synonyms
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 as a way of encouraging their
children
Use synonyms
. By both parents and
children
Use synonyms
 being involved, it will ensure that
children
Use synonyms
 grow up to incorporate
sport
Use synonyms
 into their daily lives.
This
Linking Words
 is certainly a natural and lasting way to improve public
health
Use synonyms
. In conclusion, to deal with an increasing population of unfit, overweight people, changing the lifestyle of the coming generation by introducing
sport
Use synonyms
 in
schools
Use synonyms
 is the easiest and most effective method to use.
Submitted by TUTOO on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task. However, it could be further strengthened by adding more specific examples or evidence to support your points.
coherence cohesion
While the logical structure of your essay is strong, consider adding transitional phrases between paragraphs to enhance the flow of ideas.
introduction
Your introduction effectively sets up the topic and presents a clear stance.
conclusion
The conclusion is strong and effectively summarizes your main points, reinforcing your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: