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Band 4.5

Some people say that the only way to get success is to go to universities while others think that it depends on other factors. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #success #universities #factors
There are two controversial perspectives heating up a debate over the method to be successful in life.
While
 some claim that getting access to tertiary education plays a paramount significant role in
people
’s fruitfulness,the opposite makes a statement that it
have
Change the verb form
has
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 a heavy reliance on other determinants.
While
 each has its own redeeming feature,I would contend that it is optimal to combine both mentioned factors. Without a shadow of a doubt,being accessible to university puts a premium on
people
’s success,but there are other elements that can affect it .
And
Correct word choice
This
show examples
this
 is probably
due to
 the fact that
the
Correct article usage
a
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university’s
Change noun form
university
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 degree will help
people
 be hired
in
Change preposition
by
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 some leading corporation,which
makes
Verb problem
gives
show examples
 them
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
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a better occupation.
For instance
,some popular firms
such
 as VINGROUP
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a tendency to recruit
people
 graduating from top-rank universities in Vietnam, namely National Economics University,
Foreign
Correct word choice
and Foreign
show examples
 Trade University.
Therefore
, absorbing precious knowledge at the academy is of imperativeness but it is not the only way.
While
 the necessity of getting access to
academy
Correct article usage
an academy
show examples
is widely acknowledge
Change the verb form
is widely acknowledged
show examples
,
people
’s fruitfulness relies on other elements,especially
skills
. And the reason for
this
 is that the more set of
skills
people
 have,the better their work quality is.
Moreover
,
people
 can bring some precious contribution to the company. Communication
skills
,time-management
skills
,
problems solving
Replace the word
and problem-solving
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skills
 can be cited as
one
Correct determiner usage
some
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 of the most outstanding instances in order to make a large amount of profit in a short period of time .
Hence
,
people
’s high achievements are heavily dependent on various determinants, especially
skills
. In conclusion,despite getting access to tertiary education is
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
importance
Replace the word
important
show examples
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
’s success,it relies on other factors.
Submitted by hominhtrang995 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure your essay follows a clear and logical structure. Your arguments need to follow a coherent progression that leads the reader easily from one point to the next without confusion. Consider using clear signaling phrases and topic sentences to help establish these connections within and between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
Include an introduction and a conclusion to frame your essay effectively. While your essay contains these components, make sure they introduce your thesis and summarize your key points clearly and concisely.
coherence cohesion
Develop your main points fully using strong support and detailed examples. While your essay includes relevant details, elaborating on your examples and connecting them to the overall argument can enhance the impact and clarity of your essay.
task achievement
Respond to the task completely by addressing all parts of the prompt. Make sure you include a clear opinion or standpoint on the matter at hand, and ensure all your points and examples align with your central argument.
task achievement
Express your ideas clearly and comprehensively. While you present your arguments, some ideas may not be as clearly expressed as they could be, which makes it difficult for the reader to completely understand your standpoint. Clarify and refine your ideas further to avoid possible ambiguity.
task achievement
Use relevant and specific examples to support your points. Make sure the examples you provide are directly related to the main argument and clearly demonstrate the point you are trying to make.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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