IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

The government should control the Internet to reduce cyber-crime and ensure safety of users. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#government #control #internet #cyber-crime #safety #users
It is generally believed that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
 organizations should manage social sites in terms of
prevent
Change the verb form
preventing
show examples
cyber-crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
 and
protect
Wrong verb form
protecting
show examples
users
’ safety. While
this
 view is true in some cases, I am more convinced that social networking sites should be out of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
 interventions. It is reasonable to say that
government
 should tackle the crime problems occur in recent years, As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
social
network
development
Replace the word
developed
show examples
 throughout
ages
Correct article usage
the ages
show examples
, the number of
users
 gains
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
 has led to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
inadequate systems of cyber security, which give
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hackers more opportunities to be able to steal data and documents from personal computers through the online platform,
for instance
, some stealing
money
 cases in Vietnam, the scammer will take
user
’s personal information and send it to them for different reasons
such
 as commit
user
 is a crime and request them to send an OTP code
then
 steal all of their
money
 in the bank account. By
this
 real state of affairs,
social
Add an article
the social
show examples
network
Fix the agreement mistake
networks
show examples
 should be controlled by the
government
, which might be a better factor to help
users
 avoid the percentage of getting scammed or losing
money
 and time.
However
, I am more convinced that the
users
’ safety cannot entirely protect by the
government
.
Firstly
, according to the increase of
users
, the
government
 might not guarantee to resolve and follow
one by one
Add a hyphen
one-by-one
show examples
user
Fix the agreement mistake
users
show examples
 at a certain time. As
network
 violence has caused a range of issues for
network
users
,
such
 as mental damage and depression.
In addition
, some strangers randomly use their
word
Fix the agreement mistake
words
show examples
 to abuse another, which could make the victim keep themselves away from society or choose bad decisions
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their life.
Secondly
, there was a report that some administrative workers and
government
 officials use
personal
Correct article usage
the personal
show examples
 dates of the
network
users
 for their own purposes, after getting recognized, the
government
 block their Internet in order to protect
reputation
Correct pronoun usage
their reputation
show examples
. If
this
such
 of crime really
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
 out there,
money
Correct article usage
the money
show examples
 laundering and corruption rate would be out of control and cause a larger problem for later. Despite strong arguments for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 protection
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
Internet
Add an article
the Internet
show examples
user
Fix the agreement mistake
users
show examples
, I believe that
this
 kind of solution could not prevent
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cyber-crime
Correct your spelling
cybercrime
show examples
would
Correct word choice
and would
show examples
 make a stronger case.
Therefore
, each
network
user
 should be
carefully
Replace the word
careful
show examples
 to give information to an unauthentic account.
Submitted by pierre-vandenberg on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • preventative measure
  • cybersecurity protocols
  • hacking
  • identity theft
  • online scams
  • sensitive information
  • critical infrastructure
  • privacy
  • freedom of expression
  • government overreach
  • censorship
  • international cooperation
  • jurisdiction
  • innovation
  • digital economy
  • public education campaigns
  • legislation
  • private tech companies
  • government surveillance
  • civil liberties
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