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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Children today are too dependent on computers and electronic entertainment. It would be better to encourage them to spend more time outside playing sports and games. Do you agree or disagree?

In the contemporary world,
technology
Use synonyms
 is an unavoidable phenomenon in human
life
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, because it provides us
many
Change preposition
with many
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 advantages, and today
children
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 are more tend to utilize electronic
devices
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 for log hours compared to the past.
Although
Linking Words
, encourage them for extracurricular
activities
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 are help to keep them healthy and
actively
Replace the word
active
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 because these
activities
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also
Linking Words
 are crucial parts of their overall
life
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. I partially agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement, because both sides have significance for their
life
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. To commence with, nowadays a majority of
children
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are incline
Change the verb form
are inclined
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 to consume technological
devices
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such
Linking Words
 as computers, phones and tablets these
devices
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 are more beneficial to their education because they can utilize
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
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 as
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 information
searchers
Correct the article-noun agreement
searcher
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, these
devices
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are aid
Change the verb form
are aiding
are aided
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 them to access any information about that they are required educational information.
Moreover
Linking Words
, another important of utilizing
technology
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 is that learning these things
influence
Correct subject-verb agreement
influences
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 them to develop their creative thinking.
For instance
Linking Words
, according to a study, by the University of Oxford that research,
children
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whom
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 exposure to video game
activities
Use synonyms
 can aid to increase their critical thinking.
Thus
Linking Words
, entertainment would help to relax and amuse.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, excessive consumption of
technology
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 can lead to negative affect
to
Change preposition
on
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children
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's growth. Because can affect diseases.
For example
Linking Words
, according to a study, long hours sitting in the same place can lead to obesity. participating
outdoor
Change preposition
in outdoor
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activities
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 could prevent diseases because overconsumption of
technology
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 deprives physical
activities
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,
as a result
Linking Words
, they become lazy, which is why
incline
Correct article usage
the incline
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 towards sports is a vital part of
children
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's growth. if they
are not involve
Change the verb form
do not involve
show examples
outdoor
Change preposition
in outdoor
show examples
activities
Use synonyms
 which can affect their health.
Therefore
Linking Words
, active people become energetic people. It would positively affect their education and intellectual knowledge improvement. In conclusion, after a thorough analysis of the topic, today
children
Use synonyms
's more time dependant on
internet
Add an article
the internet
show examples
 because
technology
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 is an essential element
Use synonyms
children's
Change preposition
of children's
show examples
life
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.
However
Linking Words
, spending some time on extracurricular
activities
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 like sports would assist certainly keep their health development.

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