IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

These days people are living into their 90's and beyond. As a result, there is increasing concern about care for the elderly. Do you think it is the responsibility of the family to care for their elderly members or should the government be held responsible?

#people #concern #care #responsibility #members #government
Due to the development of
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
system
Add a comma
,system
show examples
people
 tend to live longer when they did it early. Nowadays, society
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 faced with a question about responsibility for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
. In my mind, the government should be obliged to social and health welfare. On the one hand,
people
 who live in cities tend to have nuclear families. The reason is the speed and cost of
life
Replace the word
living
show examples
 in megapolises. In that case,
people
 don’t have
time
 to care for their parents.
Moreover
, the old generation need not only care and medical help, they frequently need
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
company. It is crucial for
well being
Add a hyphen
well-being
show examples
 to have a pleasant
time
 with others. Unfortunately, the modern lifestyle doesn’t provide a lot of
time
 to spend with family, and the old generation
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 to watch TV all day long. In that case, retirement homes can be a win-win choice for all.
On the other hand
,
people
 in developing countries
such
 as India, Iran,
Azerbaijan
Correct word choice
and Azerbaijan
show examples
, often live in extended families. Adults and their children take care of the old generation.
Moreover
, some of the countries are very religious and have strong traditional values.
This
 is the main reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 close-knit families. It definitely gives some positive effects on
emotional
Correct article usage
the emotional
show examples
 conditions
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
elderly
Correct article usage
the elderly
show examples
 but they
also
 need qualified medical help from
time
 to
time
. To sum up,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
people
 should have access to the medical system. Due to the cost of health
insurance
Add a comma
,insurance
show examples
 it must be provided by the government, As far as family members are concerned it is a personal decision.
Although
 retirement in the family circle is the most pleasant choice.
Submitted by skoobrs13 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!