IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

multi-cultural societies, people of different cultural backgrounds live and work together. Do you think the advantages of multi-cultural societies outweigh the disadvantages?

#societies #people #backgrounds #work
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
With the rapid change of the world, strong countries might attract
people
Use synonyms
 who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 different cultural backgrounds to develop new
live
Replace the word
lives
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
 has been becoming more and more normal. Some
people
Use synonyms
 think of
multi-cultural
Correct your spelling
multicultural
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
 as
advantage
Add an article
the advantage
an advantage
show examples
 of countries' competition, some
people
Use synonyms
 refer to it as
a threats
Correct the article-noun agreement
a threat
threats
show examples
. As for my perspective, I consider
multi-cultural
Correct your spelling
multicultural
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 more advantages than drawbacks. I will be elaborated on as follows. Several
Use synonyms
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
 might happen in
multi-cultural
Correct your spelling
multicultural
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
.
Firstly
Linking Words
, with the increase
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 population who has
extinctive
Correct your spelling
extensive
 background, it is hard to understand what other
people
Use synonyms
 are thinking about.
In other words
Linking Words
, it might lead to
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 gap increased between
people
Use synonyms
 who
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 from different
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
 because they are extremely hard to understand what others are thinking.
However
Linking Words
, the advantages of
multi-cultural
Correct your spelling
multicultural
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
 totally overwhelm the disadvantages.
Firstly
Linking Words
, there are a considerable number of ideas
may
Correct pronoun usage
that may
show examples
 be created by
people
Use synonyms
 who come from different
background
Fix the agreement mistake
backgrounds
show examples
.
That is
Linking Words
, when
people
Use synonyms
 who
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of background
Correct word choice
and cultural
show examples
cultural
Replace the word
cultures
show examples
 meet together to discuss
special
Add an article
the special
a special
show examples
 theme, it might solve the
problem
Use synonyms
 by
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
brainstorming.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, by standing on the opposite side we can easily find out the true
problem
Use synonyms
 in some
case
Fix the agreement mistake
cases
show examples
. Take my experience as
example
Add an article
an example
show examples
. When I was
Correct your spelling
confusing
confussing
Correct your spelling
confusing
 a bug
from
Change preposition
in
show examples
 code, my colleague accurately
point
Change the verb form
points
show examples
 out the true
problem
Use synonyms
 that I spend more than 4 hours
but
Change preposition
on but
show examples
 cannot figure out the reason why it happen. In conclusion, the benefit of
advantages
Correct article usage
the advantages
show examples
Change preposition
of multi-cultural
show examples
multi-cultural
Correct your spelling
multicultural
show examples
societies
Use synonyms
has
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
overwhelm the disadvantages because
people
Use synonyms
 who come from different cultural might increase the competition
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the
societies
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by humbeatbox on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural diversity
  • Social cohesion
  • Economic prosperity
  • Integration
  • Cultural identity
  • Heritage preservation
  • Language barriers
  • Global talent
  • Innovation
  • Inclusion
  • Tolerance
  • Intercultural understanding
What to do next:
Look at other essays: