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Band 6.5

Some people think young people should be required to have full-time education until they are at least 18 years old. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #education #years
Many people believe that
students
 must study full-time until they are 18 or above and it can be beneficial to a youngster. Others argue that teenagers should be allowed to choose their study pathway if they like. In
this
 essay, I will argue that young people should not be required to have full-time
education
 until they are at least 18 years old. First of all, full-time
education
 limits some
students
’ potential and possibilities. Since not all
students
 are good at studying theoretical knowledge and
examination
Fix the agreement mistake
examinations
show examples
such
 as maths, English literature, or History, those subjects include plenty of knowledge that may not be used in their future career life. Forcing them to learn that knowledge is wasting their precious time to gain working experience at an earlier age. They still have other interests and talents that can be developed outside of school.
By contrast
, if we regulate all
students
 from finishing the academy until 18, those
students
 who have poor school performance will easily have a sense of inferiority.
Thus
, it is better to give them the freedom to choose their way
for
Change preposition
so
show examples
 those who are not interested in the study can start to work and develop their interest and gain more work experience.
Secondly
,
education
 fees can be an enormous financial burden for poverty. Some families have more than one child, if a full-time
education
 policy is implemented, it means that the parents have to pay the
education
 fee until their child becomes an adult
thus
 a large cost of studying occurs. More than that,
due to
 the full-time
education
 policy,
students
 do not have an opportunity to have a part-time job to subsidize their school fees. In terms of improvised families, it is not practical
that
Correct word choice
for
show examples
students
 to have a full
education
, because some of them need to work through college to pay off the tuition fee. In conclusion, full-time
education
 until the age of 18 is not a good policy that suits all
students
' needs and financial abilities. I believe that every student has different abilities and learning styles, they have their own choice to plan their learning pathway, and
also
 for the poverty cannot afford the whole college fee, we should allow part-time
students
 to earn the tuition fees for themselves.
Submitted by lawcheukyi on

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task response
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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, work on organizing the ideas more clearly, use transition words to connect the ideas, and consider the use of paragraphing to improve coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • comprehensive education
  • intellectual growth
  • emotional growth
  • social growth
  • evolving job market
  • specialized knowledge
  • extended education
  • reducing inequality
  • essential competencies
  • vocational training
  • economic impact
  • financial constraints
  • infrastructure
  • stress and burnout
  • personal aspirations
  • career aspirations
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