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Band 4

Governments should spend money to encourage the development of sport and art for school students rather than supporting professional sports and art performances for the public. Do you agree or disagree?

#governments #money #development #sport #art #school #students #sports #performances
Nowadays we have many opportunities to do different types of activities but many young
people
 are choosing to do shopping whenever they have free time and money. There are several reasons why it happened. The
first
, and I think the main reason, is overvalued needs. We live in the era of consumption and our brain has started to think in
this
 way. When we see something interesting on social media we usually want to buy it. When we see some pretty clothes that our
friends’
Correct your spelling
friends
show examples
 have, we
also
 want to buy them. And because of that
tendency
Add a comma
,tendency
show examples
 there are literally minutes of thinking and buying. In the modern world, shopping is not only for rich
people
, we all have
this
 opportunity, even if
you
Correct pronoun usage
we
show examples
 live in the middle of nowhere. When you want something, all that you need is to pick up your phone and order
this
 item. Young
people
 are really susceptible to different modern trends, so they
don;t
Change the punctuation
don't
show examples
 even think about their
next
 purchase. If they want it - they buy it. The problem is that young
people
 don’t think that
this
 is not a normal situation
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because everyone is doing
this
. So usually their
buyings
Correct your spelling
buying
show examples
 are not deliberate. The
second
 reason is the availability of shopping.
People
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
big cities can spend whole days in big malls, but if there is no shopping
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 in your town, you always can do an online purchase and be on the same wave
with
Change preposition
as
show examples
 others. In my opinion, it is really a problem and every parent has to be concerned about the interest
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 shopping. If a child doesn’t have any hobby and always asks to give him some money it is
a
Change the article
the
show examples
first
 symptom of shopaholism. If young
people
 spent all of their
salary
Change to a plural noun
salaries
show examples
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 shopping - it is the same. We all need to be responsible for our lives and always be concerned about our shopping
behavior
Change the spelling
behaviour
show examples
. Shopping is not a good activity in your free time.
Submitted by dulskywork on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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