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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in school curriculum. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #education #lessons #school #curriculum
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In these abrupt times, obesity is an unusual concern. The number of people getting overweight is an extra burden on the
health
Use synonyms
 system to diagnose
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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.
while
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 some folks opine that to cop up with
this
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 issue fitness subjects should be added in the academic programme.
However
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, I completely disagree with
this
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 given notion.
This
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 essay intends to explicate my views by taking instances and demonstrating my arguments.
to begin
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 with, adding physical education to schooling education will not be effective as children
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 most of their time at home. To be more precise, children follow their
parents
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 so if
parents
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 are
health
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 conscious youngsters will follow them.
For instance
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, if guardians are strength freaky and they wake up early morning for a walk
consequently
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, younger would follow the same steps in order to keep themselves healthy.
In other words
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,
parents
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 must encourage children to exercise so that, they would not only avoid corpulency but
also
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 stay away from many other normal
health
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 issues. Henceforth, fitness education must be on a practice base
instead
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 of a theory.
on the other hand
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, I have a few more points to support my idea. The first and foremost factor is
diet
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. Even though people do intensive physical activities
yet
Rephrase
apply
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,
diet
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 plays a significant role. To be more exact, to control one's weight must focus on a
diet
Use synonyms
 by adding more green items in
comparing
Verb problem
comparison to
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 meaty foods.
For example
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, most non-vegetarian foods are rich in high calories and as
result
Correct article usage
a result
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 easily gain fat. Provide with facts,
excessive
Correct word choice
that excessive
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 consumption of fizzy drinks frequently leads to obesity.
Moreover
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, authorities can impose extra duties on sugary drinks so that people refrain from their consumption.
Therefore
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, folks should care about their
diet
Use synonyms
 as per their calorie need In conclusion, I tend to reiterate that
although
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 many folks want to launch physical literacy in the school system so that the
health
Use synonyms
 care system can be free to deal with another issue in spite of caring for obesity
yet
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I strongly assert that it is self-practice and
parents
Use synonyms
 must act.
Submitted by misbahamzahir8 on

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task response
Ensure that the introduction clearly presents the writer's stance and approach to the topic. Also, develop a clear conclusion that summarizes the main points and restates the writer's position.
coherence cohesion
Work on organizing ideas into clear paragraphs with topic sentences and supporting details. Additionally, use transitional words and phrases to create coherence and cohesion within and between paragraphs.
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