IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The continued rise in the world's population is the greatest problem faced by humanity at the present time. What are the causes of this continued rise? Do you agree that this is the greatest problem faced by humanity

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Count of individuals has substantially escalated worldwide which is the most debatable issue nowadays. I strongly agree with the statement.
This
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 essay will discuss some of the reasons for the above statement and will present a valid conclusion in the end. To commence with, the literacy rate has decreased
due to
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 which
people
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 are unaware of the drawbacks related to more children.
Therefore
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, they bring up more
kids
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.
For instance
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, mostly in rural ,areas
people
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 do not paycheck for the birth rate which leads to an increasing count of family members.
Furthermore
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, a large number of society prefer to have sons as compared to daughters as they think that their male
kids
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 will support them both physically and financially in their old age.
As a result
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, the number of their
kids
Use synonyms
 increases in case they only have daughters.
For example
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, many couples go through an artificial method of convincing a baby to choose the gender of their choice. On
contrary
Correct article usage
the contrary
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, there are some remedies to all the above problems.
Firstly
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, the government ought to pay attention to
this
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 issue and must announce penalties for
people
Use synonyms
 who do not paycheck for the birth of their babies. To illustrate
this
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 point, in many developed
countries
Add a comma
countries,
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 the higher authorities stop many free facilities for families with more than 3
kids
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.
Secondly
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, different programs should be delivered in which
people
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 should be educated about the benefits and drawbacks of controlled and overpopulation respectively.
In other words
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, many television programs have been broadcasted for
people
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, especially those living in the countryside.
To sum up
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,
although
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 the population has been going up day by day.
Nevertheless
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, the government of every country should take steps to control it which will save our planet from different harms.

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task response
Task Response: The essay provides a relevant response to the prompt by discussing the causes of population increase and presenting a viewpoint on whether it is the greatest problem faced by humanity. However, the support for this viewpoint is limited and the discussion of potential solutions is inadequately developed. A more balanced and in-depth analysis of the issue would enhance the task response.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure of the essay is fairly coherent, with some clear progression of ideas and linkages between sentences and paragraphs. However, the essay lacks adequate support for the main points presented, and the development of ideas is somewhat superficial. Additionally, the introduction and conclusion are present but could be more impactful in framing the essay's discussion. A more in-depth development of the main points and enhanced structuring of the essay would improve coherence and cohesion.
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