IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

some people believe that the salaries paid to professional sportspeople are too high while others argue that sports salaries are fair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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people
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 have different views about the huge
amount
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 of
salaries
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 paid to the sportsman. some
people
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 believe that
this
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 excessive
amount
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 of
salaries
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 justified them,
while
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 it seems to me that that sportsman's
salaries
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 should be in limitation. On the one hand, there are some good arguments for why sportspeople need a significant
amount
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 of wages. In the world, many sports are multi-million-pound industries where they have tremendous fun followers.
As a consequence
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, Sportsmen need a maintain their bodies to perform well in the field.
Therefore
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, they have been spending huge amounts of
money
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 on their healthcare and fitness.
In addition
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, they represent their country in front of the world where those sportsmen sacrifice many enjoyable things in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 to fulfil the requirements of a sportsperson. So these types of things justify why they need to be paid a huge
amount
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 of
money
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 for them.
on the other hand
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, I will argue that there are several reasons why sportspersons should be paid less
amount
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 of
money
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 than they are being paid now.
Firstly
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, sports professionals earn too much
money
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 for their
services
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 but those
services
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 are not that important for mankind.
On the contrary
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,
people
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 can easily live without sports entertainment.
For example
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, football players earn enormous
salaries
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 by simply kicking a ball, which is not
direct relationship
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directly related
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 to
people
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's life condition development.
Moreover
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, some
services
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 need more attention
such
Linking Words
 as nursing, doctors, and teachers than sportsmen because they play a vital role
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
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 our society. If players are paid
fewer
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
salaries
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,
this
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money
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 can
use
Wrong verb form
be used
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 to develop the nation and
people
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's lifestyles. In conclusion,
although
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 sportspersons'
services
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 are important for the country, I believe that they do not deserve the
amount
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 of
money
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 they are being paid nowadays.

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task achievement
Ensure that your supporting examples are relevant and well-developed. Also, consider addressing both sides of the argument in more detail to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
coherence and cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas and arguments more cohesively. Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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