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Writing Samples /
Band 5

some people believe that the salaries paid to professional sportspeople are too high while others argue that sports salaries are fair. Discuss both views and give your opinion

#people #salaries #sportspeople #sports
people
 have different views about the huge
amount
 of
salaries
 paid to the sportsman. some
people
 believe that
this
 excessive
amount
 of
salaries
 justified them,
while
 it seems to me that that sportsman's
salaries
 should be in limitation. On the one hand, there are some good arguments for why sportspeople need a significant
amount
 of wages. In the world, many sports are multi-million-pound industries where they have tremendous fun followers.
As a consequence
, Sportsmen need a maintain their bodies to perform well in the field.
Therefore
, they have been spending huge amounts of
money
 on their healthcare and fitness.
In addition
, they represent their country in front of the world where those sportsmen sacrifice many enjoyable things in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 to fulfil the requirements of a sportsperson. So these types of things justify why they need to be paid a huge
amount
 of
money
 for them.
on the other hand
, I will argue that there are several reasons why sportspersons should be paid less
amount
 of
money
 than they are being paid now.
Firstly
, sports professionals earn too much
money
 for their
services
 but those
services
 are not that important for mankind.
On the contrary
,
people
 can easily live without sports entertainment.
For example
, football players earn enormous
salaries
 by simply kicking a ball, which is not
direct relationship
Replace the word
directly related
show examples
 to
people
's life condition development.
Moreover
, some
services
 need more attention
such
 as nursing, doctors, and teachers than sportsmen because they play a vital role
to improve
Change preposition
in improving
show examples
 our society. If players are paid
fewer
Correct word choice
lower
show examples
salaries
,
this
money
 can
use
Wrong verb form
be used
show examples
 to develop the nation and
people
's lifestyles. In conclusion,
although
 sportspersons'
services
 are important for the country, I believe that they do not deserve the
amount
 of
money
 they are being paid nowadays.
Submitted by samsulislam43.si on

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task achievement
Ensure that your supporting examples are relevant and well-developed. Also, consider addressing both sides of the argument in more detail to provide a more comprehensive analysis.
coherence and cohesion
Work on connecting your ideas and arguments more cohesively. Use transition words and phrases to improve the flow of your essay.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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