IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some think that governments should support retired people financially while others believe they should take care of themselves. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #governments #support #people #care
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There are numerous arguments for and against whether
retirees
Use synonyms
 should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsibility
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
 themselves or should it be the
Use synonyms
government
Change noun form
government's
show examples
 responsibility to
financial
Replace the word
financially
show examples
support
Use synonyms
 them. In my opinion, though self-care promotes a culture of saving, it is
Use synonyms
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
show examples
duty
Use synonyms
 to ensure part of their welfare and health with financial
support
Use synonyms
. People who are opposed to
government
Use synonyms
 financial
support
Use synonyms
 are of the opinion that, the culture of saving rather than depending on the
government
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 may boost the overall economic development of a country.
In other words
Linking Words
, if people were to accumulate their savings for their pension age, it would lessen the financial burden on the
government
Use synonyms
,
Linking Words
as
Correct word choice
and as
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 a result, the
government
Use synonyms
 would be able to plan more funds for more productive purposes
such
Linking Words
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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development
Correct article usage
the development
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 of infrastructure, industries, hospitals, and so on, which might expedite the overall enhancement of a country.
Although
Linking Words
 I recognize the legitimate merits
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the argument above, I would generally side with those who believe the
government
Use synonyms
 should allocate part of its budget as a repayment to
financial
Add an article
the financial
show examples
support
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
retirees
Use synonyms
 in order to provide welfare and comfort. As
retirees
Use synonyms
 age, those suffering from various
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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 including, Parkinson, diabetes and osteoporosis, become
more needy
Replace the words
needier
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 of monthly
checkup
Fix the agreement mistake
checkups
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. If their health is taken into consideration, the
government
Use synonyms
 should provide them
more
Change preposition
with more
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 comprehensive financing assistance, like health insurance, cheaper loans and expenses of care and nursing.
on the other hand
Linking Words
, it is said that all individuals are paying taxes for years because of their civic
duty
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 and
in
Linking Words
contrast
Add a comma
,contrast
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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government
Use synonyms
duty
Use synonyms
 is included giving financial
support
Use synonyms
 when needed especially after retirement. In
conclusion
Add a comma
, conclusion
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،
although
Linking Words
 some believe that it is
retirees
Use synonyms
’
duty
Use synonyms
 to take care of themselves, others think
Use synonyms
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should
shoulders
Change the verb form
shoulder
show examples
 the responsibility of retirement finance. It is predicted that in the future, due to financial fluctuations in the economy, the
government
Use synonyms
 will not be able to allocate a significant amount of money to
retirees
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by kazemifatemeh4 on

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement
  • financial support
  • social responsibility
  • comfortable and secure
  • reduces poverty
  • safety net
  • limited resources
  • fairness and equality
  • personal responsibility
  • independence
  • financial planning
  • saving
  • burden on the government
  • control over retirement
  • economic growth
  • private investment
  • combination of approaches
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