IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Many people play sport when they are young, but then stop when they become adults. Why do so many adults stop physical exercise? What can be done to solve this problem?

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People
Use synonyms
 who are between the ages of 5 and 18 are more active compared to
people
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 who are older than 18 years old. There are several causes for them to quit exercising
such
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 as the intensity of their education or work, and the physical tiredness
that is
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 brought about by the ageing body. In
this
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 essay, I will explore these reasons in detail, and suggest some solutions to overcome
this
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 issue. One possible reason for
this
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 problem is the change of responsibilities
while
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 growing older. Compared to kids, adults have duties like being successful in the education they receive
,
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apply
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 and having a good job to earn money. These responsibilities hinder
people
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 from spending
time
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 in the gym or going for a run outside. A child,
for instance
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, does not have a busy day so that he or she can play with friends or join in the routine practices of a sports team.
On the other hand
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, a person who has a full-
time
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 job will return home in the evening, leaving no quality
time
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 to allocate to physical training. As
people
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 get older, the
time
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 to split for dynamic occasions lessens. Another possible cause for
this
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 trouble is that the ageing body can feel fatigued
easier
Correct word choice
more easily
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 compared to infants. As
people
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 grow older, they start to endure diseases that do not allow them to stay active. To illustrate, many older individuals face chronic lung and heart problems as they age, and activities like jogging become an impossible task for them.
Therefore
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, activities like soccer or swimming are more convenient for
people
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 who are younger and disease-free.
However
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, there might be some solutions to ensure that adults do not quit training after puberty.
For example
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, physical education classes do not continue after high school in many countries. If governments establish public facilities in every neighbourhood for
people
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 to enjoy some basic fitness equipment,
people
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 will be more inclined to visit and care about their physical health. Another solution might be implemented by companies. Since neglecting fitness stems mostly from the busy schedules of working
people
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, companies should encourage their employees to go to the gym by reducing working hours. In conclusion, exercising becomes negligible as
people
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 grow older
due to
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 the fact that their occupations do not permit leisure
time
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, and many illnesses which come out in the later periods of life do not allow physical recreation. To circumvent the issue, states and corporations should work hand-in-hand.

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task response advice
Address the second part of the prompt more explicitly, providing more specific solutions to the problem of adults stopping physical exercise. Ensure to include a clear explanation of how the solutions can effectively solve the problem.
coherence and cohesion advice
Maintain coherence by using transition words and phrases more consistently throughout the essay. Additionally, consider rephrasing some sentences for better flow and coherence.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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