IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Even though governments have worked hard to bring about improvements in the healthcare system, the overall standard of physical health in developed countries is decreasing. What are the potential reasons for this and what are some of the long-term effects?

#governments #improvements #healthcare #system #health #countries #effects
IT IS TRUE THAT GOVERNMENT MUST NEED TO THINK AND RISE THE HEALTHCARE SYSTEM TO THE
NEXT
 LEVEL
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 BECAUSE
PEOPLE
 ARE FACING MORE PHYSICAL PROBLEMS IN A THEIR BODIES. TO COMMENCE THAT, MODERN LIFE CRAZE ARE GROWING FASTER IN A DEVELOPED COUNTRIES AND MORE TECHNOLOGY SYSTEM OR GADGETS ARE GIVEN THE MOST PRIORITY BY SOCIETY.
FURTHERMORE
, PUPILS LIFE STYLES BECOME MORE MODERNISATION DAY BY DAY.
HENCE
, HUMANS ARE MORE ATTRACTIVE AND LESS DO
WORK
 BY SELF.
FOR INSTANCE
, IN DEVELOPED COUNTRIES INFRASTRUCTURE IS BECOMING MORE ADVANCE AND VERY EXPENSIVE. SO,
PEOPLE
 NEED A MORE MONEY FOR USING OR LIVING IN MODERN LIFE.
AS A RESULT
, THEY ARE GIVING MORE ATTENTION TO
WORK
 THAN REGULAR EXERCISES OR NORMAL PHYSICAL HEALTH. EVEN, THEY CAN OUT PROVIDE SOME TIME FOR THEMSELF ON A REGULAR BASIS.
FURTHER
 STRENGTHENING THE VIEW, WE CAN SEE THAT
PEOPLE
 ARE MORE CONNECTED WITH THE INTERNET AND SOCIAL MEDIA.
THEREFORE
,
PEOPLE
 BECOME LAZY THAN IN PAST CENTURIES WITH REGARD TO WHETHER THEY CAN DO HALF OF THE REGULAR
WORK
 OR HOME-RELATED
WORK
 BY MACHINES. IN ONE SURVEY, THOSE WHO DO REGULAR EXERCISE OR PROVIDE SOME GOOD TIME FOR THEM, WILL LIVING MORE LONGER AND NOT GET ANY DANGEROUS PROBLEMS WHEN THEY WILL TURN IN 60 OR MORE. WHILE,
WHO
Correct pronoun usage
THOSE WHO
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 DO NOT GIVE TIME FOR EXERCISE OR PHYSICAL ACTIVITIES, WILL FACE MORE EARLIER PROBLEMS. MANY
PEOPLE
 ASSERT THAT GOVERNMENT NEED TO START SOME CAMP RELATED TO HEALTH CARE OR PROVIDE MORE ATTENTION TO HEALTHCARE FOR COMMUNITIES. TO CONCLUDE, THE GOVERNMENT AND PUPILS BOTH ARE NEED TO AWARE OF HEALTH CARE. BECAUSE
,
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apply
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THIS
 ONE IS NOT SOLVED OR
IMPROVE
Wrong verb form
IMPROVED
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 BY ONE SIDE AND BOTH ARE THE RESPONSIBLE FOR THAT.
Submitted by banseepatel444 on

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