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Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some employers offer their employees subsidised membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more effective at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. •Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, and reach a conclusion.

#employers #offer #employees #membership #gyms #sports #clubs #staff #work #benefit #•consider #arguments #aspects #debate #conclusion
Some companies offer free subscriptions to gyms and sports clubs to their
employees
, aiming to enrich their mental
health
, believing that will help them focus more at
work
.
While
 others do not consider that in their policies because they do not think that benefits. Personally, I fully agree that
such
 activities are essential to enhance mental
health
 and improve
focusing
Change the form of the verb
focus
show examples
 at
work
. On the one hand,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those who do not tend to encourage their
employees
 to engage in effective activities think that they are wasting
time
 and money and
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not reflect on individuals productively.
Moreover
, they think spending more
time
 working at
work
 will boost productivity much more.
Additionally
, they believe that
employees
 should not be forced to engage in
such
 activities, and those who are feeling the need to go to
gym
Add an article
the gym
show examples
 can do that by themselves in their free
time
.
On the other hand
, the proponents of the other point of view argue that mental
health
 is a key part
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 concentration at
work
 and dealing with complicated issues.
This
 view is supported by several studies, which have found that
strength
Replace the word
strong
show examples
 mental
health
 is necessary
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 working environments.
Furthermore
,
such
 events maintain strong ties between employers and their
employees
, making them more loyal to their institutes. In conclusion,
while
 many companies believe that supporting their
employees
 by offering free memberships of
sport
Change the noun form
sports
show examples
 facilities is
benefits
Replace the word
beneficial
show examples
 for both
employees
 and
work
,
other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
show examples
 insist that
such
thing
Correct article usage
a thing
show examples
 is just
waste
Correct article usage
a waste
show examples
 of
time
 and money and
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not provide any positive results. I strongly believe that employers
have
Verb problem
should
show examples
 offer more care towards their
employees
 and that will, without a doubt, handle benefits for all people.
Submitted by aalahmad387s on

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task achievement
To improve your task response, ensure you address both viewpoints more comprehensively and provide relevant specific examples to support your arguments.
coherence cohesion
For better coherence and cohesion, work on your paragraph transitions to make the essay flow more smoothly. Additionally, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that links back to the main argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and conclusion, which provides a solid structure for your arguments.
task achievement
Your main points are well-supported with relevant ideas, which strengthens your overall argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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