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Band 3.5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #co-operate #adults
Some people believe that the competition will
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
encourage
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
children
.
Thus
 other people consider that teamwork is more helpful.
This
 essay will discuss
this
 topic from both sides and give my own idea. The contest gives
children
 full of energy and satisfaction. They may feel that they are better than others and get encouraged to participate
Change preposition
in another
show examples
another competitions
Replace the adjective
another competition
other competitions
show examples
.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 it motivates
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
children
 to study more and more.
However
 the wish
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to
being
Change the form of the verb
be
show examples
 more good than others is unlimited.
Therefore
 they stressed to be perfect and just think about they should be the best. Competition may create
lonely
Add an article
a lonely
the lonely
show examples
, egotistical and stressed
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
show examples
.
For
example
Add a comma
,example
show examples
 my cousin is
very
Correct article usage
a very
show examples
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
person
 and her parents
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 always saying that you should be
best
Correct article usage
the best
show examples
 to others.
In
Change preposition
As
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
result
Add a comma
,result
show examples
 she became
Add an article
an introvert
show examples
introvert
Replace the word
introverted
show examples
 and lonely
person
.
Co-operate
Wrong verb form
Co-operating
show examples
 is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 good qualification that
person
 must have.
Furthermore
Add a comma
,Furthermore
show examples
 it
also
 needs for future
career
Fix the agreement mistake
careers
show examples
 and life.
Therefore
team
Correct your spelling
teamwork
show examples
work
 is a vital skill that
children
 should be taught
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 primary school.
This
 helps
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
learn
Add the particle
tolearn
show examples
 communicate and help each other in the
work
 field.
Finally
, Competition gives us
desire
Change the article
the desire
show examples
 to do more efficient
work
 and helps
to
Correct pronoun usage
us to
show examples
 learn anything by ourselves, co-operating can take chance to reach big success than
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 alone. Because it's a communication society
that
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
people need to support each other.
Submitted by Naran on

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Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • encourage
  • compete
  • cooperate
  • useful
  • adults
  • skills
  • motivation
  • drive
  • resilience
  • failure
  • workplace
  • empathy
  • social skills
  • reduce
  • stress
  • pressure
  • balanced
  • approach
  • ideal
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