IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

The growing number of overweight people is putting a strain on the health care system in a effort to deal with the health issues involved. Some people think that the best way to deal with this problem is to introduce more physical education lessons in the school curriculum. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #strain #health #care #system #effort #education #lessons #school #curriculum
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It has been observing
variety
Add an article
a variety
the variety
show examples
 of solutions to curve
Use synonyms
health
Correct article usage
the health
show examples
 care system in the different
aspect
Fix the agreement mistake
aspects
show examples
 of ideas. They are looking for an answer to figure out
societies
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 opinion on
this
Linking Words
 field. Whether
people
Use synonyms
 think that getting more physical training at college decrease the number of
humans
Use synonyms
 who needs assistance for their
health
Use synonyms
 problem or not. In my view of
poin
Correct your spelling
point
pain
plain
,
this
Linking Words
 subject has different points to mention before to
make
Wrong verb form
making
show examples
 a
commite
Correct your spelling
commit
.
First
Linking Words
 of all,
health
Use synonyms
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 can be
devided
Correct your spelling
divided
 into 3 sections.
Firstly
Linking Words
, we can write down the lack of activities to protect our
boddy
Correct your spelling
bodies
. That's right,
now a days
Correct the word
nowadays
show examples
,
people
Use synonyms
 very regularly do exercises due to
hard
Correct article usage
the hard
show examples
 conditions in business life and thanks to
population
Correct article usage
the population
show examples
expanded
Replace the word
expansion
show examples
, it's more difficult for employees and
employer
Fix the agreement mistake
employers
show examples
 to reach
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 job. So,
people
Use synonyms
 should spend
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
most of
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 time in transportation.
Secondly
Linking Words
, most of the part of
society
Use synonyms
 has
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
mental issues. It's
also
Linking Words
 related to
humans
Use synonyms
 in
technology
Add an article
the technology
show examples
 era.
Thirdly
Linking Words
, there are some
health
Use synonyms
 problems which are coming from birth. To sum up, it is too hard to just say ''lack of sports cause
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
healt
Correct your spelling
health
heart
 problems''. When we think
on
Change preposition
about
show examples
 the subject we should consider all the points that can
effect
Correct your spelling
affect
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
humans
Use synonyms
. In
Linking Words
additionally
Replace the word
addition
show examples
,
sport
Use synonyms
 is kind of a hobby. When we speak about hobbies we always consider the sense of
humans
Use synonyms
 and
their
Replace the word
they're
they are
show examples
ambitious
Replace the word
ambitions
show examples
 on the idea. If the government do some programs without
take
Change the verb form
taking
show examples
 consideration
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these points, that would not be
helpfull
Correct your spelling
helpful
 to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Use synonyms
. It can seem
Change preposition
like as
show examples
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
dictatorship
Add an article
a dictatorship
show examples
 that
people
Use synonyms
 should obey the rules.
However
Linking Words
, to
undersdant
Correct your spelling
understand
 and make comment
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of topics, I always listen to my feelings. Personally, I do exercise very often. I go to the gym at least 4 times a week. When my schedule is very busy I still force
my self
Correct your spelling
myself
show examples
 to do it because I know how it feels to my
boddy
Correct your spelling
body
 and my mental
health
Use synonyms
.
Besides
Linking Words
, in my journey of
Use synonyms
sport
Add a comma
,sport
show examples
 I observed that when I
seperate
Correct your spelling
separate
 time to do more
exericse
Correct your spelling
exercise
 I become more successful in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
business life.
Additionally
Linking Words
, when I was in university I did use to do very often
sport
Use synonyms
.
By
Change preposition
In
show examples
 that
way
Add a comma
,way
show examples
 I could learn time management.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, when we consider the policy of states, we should
undersdant
Correct your spelling
understand
 that governments always think the
society
Use synonyms
instead
Linking Words
 of
think
Change the verb form
thinking
show examples
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
a just man. It means that if the scient can show us the
advanteous
Correct your spelling
advantages
advantageous
 of doing
sport
Use synonyms
 and the effective part to solve system's
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
than
Correct your spelling
then
show examples
 we should obey the system. The main idea
to
Add a missing verb
is to
show examples
 be
Add an article
a citizen
show examples
citizen
Fix the agreement mistake
citizens
show examples
 and to create a nation and
society
Use synonyms
 we always say that there is an agreement that we all should follow. It's a document for being
wealth
Replace the word
wealthy
show examples
 and
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
securite
Correct your spelling
secure
. In conclusion, I do not
understimate
Correct your spelling
underestimate
 of
contrast
Change the verb form
contrasting
show examples
 ideas of
people
Use synonyms
 who
doesn't
Change the verb form
don't
show examples
 want to face
of
Replace the word
off
show examples
 with restrictive rules, but, overall I would prefer to live in a high level of awareness
society
Use synonyms
 rather
to
Remove the marker
apply
show examples
live with
people
Use synonyms
 who
doesn't
Correct subject-verb agreement
don't
show examples
 care about their
health
Use synonyms
.
That is
Linking Words
 why I choose to support
to have
Change the verb form
having
show examples
 more exercise training in the
scools
Correct your spelling
schools
 forced by
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
.
Submitted by guvensoynejat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • obesity rates
  • health care system
  • physical education
  • instill
  • long term
  • raise awareness
  • healthier lifestyle choices
  • nutritional education
  • active transport
  • quality of instruction
  • facilities and equipment
  • diet control initiatives
  • community sports programs
What to do next:
Look at other essays: