IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

It is more important to spend public money on promoting a healthy lifestyle in order to prevent illness than to spend it on treatment of people who are already ill. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #lifestyle #illness #treatment #people
It is said that a considerable amount of local funds should be spent on preventing diseases rather than spending on the cure of
patients
. I strongly agree with
this
 viewpoint.
To begin
 with, there are many reasons for raising
money
 for averting illnesses. First of all, investing in prevention is a more sustainable approach to health care because it focuses on long-term solutions rather than short-term fixes. In fact, a community which is completely averted might have a low risk of disease and longer life expectancy compared to a group of already ill
people
 who are cured.
In addition
, spending on treatment for intractable sicknesses often requires a huge sum of
money
while
preventing
Replace the word
prevention
show examples
 is usually more effective and always costs lower.
For instance
, to prevent different types of cancers,
people
 should have a healthy diet and maintain fitness by doing exercises or going to the gym, which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 economical activities,
while
patients
 faced with cancers have to pay enormous payments to prolong themself.
On the other hand
, giving
money
 in dealing with diseases might
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 its own merits. In some situations, investing in treatments for existing illnesses may be necessary to address the immediate needs of
patients
, rather than long-term prevention strategies.
For example
, a person who is suffering from pneumonia should be cured immediately
instead
 of giving him a preventative plan.
Furthermore
, raising
money
 on treatments may not only rescue
patients
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
 help to find out more effective ways to deal with the disease.
By
Change preposition
In
show examples
this
 way, many
people
 who are putting up with intractable illnesses might be cured and enjoy the beautiful life they should have. In conclusion,
while
 local
money
 should be invested in order to prevent
people
 from diseases, the merits of spending it on therapies
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
people
 who are already ill should not be denied.
Submitted by Bravid Nguyen on

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Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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