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Band 4.5

some people think that success in life comes from hard work and determination, while others think that there are more important factors such as money and appearance. disscus both views and give your opinion.

#people #success #life #work #determination #factors #money #appearance #disscus
it is believed by some
idividuals
Correct your spelling
individuals
 that
success
 in life is achieved by hard
work
 and determination,
where as
Correct your spelling
whereas
show examples
 others are in the idea that other factors
such
 as wealth and beauty are more important. I personally side with the former group, since when you want to obtain a goal by heart and you
work
 hard
twards
Correct your spelling
toward
 your dreams, nothing can stop you and you will be successful, with no doubt.  Working hard and being
detrmind
Correct your spelling
determined
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 the
corner stone
Correct your spelling
cornerstone
show examples
 of
succes
Correct your spelling
success
, because by means of
purposful
Correct your spelling
purposeful
 hard
work
Add a comma
,work
show examples
 all the obstacles on the way to
success
 could be, generally, tackled.
for
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
 new immigrants who really
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
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 to find their desired position in
the
Change the word
their
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 new home country will
work
 hard 24/7 to empower themselves in required fields and fit
as
Change preposition
in as
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 soon as possible in their new community.
this
 is a potential that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
hard-working
people
 have by heart and no matter what the goal is, they will eventually find a way to be successful.
however
 other
people
 believe that wealth and appearance play an important role in
success
. good appearance makes
people
 attractive
therefore
 they are able to find better job opportunities or they can pay for what they are dreaming
and
Correct word choice
which
show examples
 gives them
feeling
Correct article usage
a feeling
show examples
 of
success
.
although
 these factors
such
 as wealth and good looking are not stable and can be lost and
conseuently
Correct your spelling
consequently
 whatever that
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 been achieved by them. all in
all
Add a comma
,all
show examples
 I believe that
success
 is achieved by
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
 and
detrmination
Correct your spelling
determination
 because
hard working
Add a hyphen
hard-working
show examples
people
 have potentially the capacity to solve problems and gain
success
.
Submitted by abbasi.banafsheh on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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