IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many people are involved in sports when they are young but stop once they are adults why do many adults stop doing physical exercise ? what can be done about this problem ?

#people #sports #adults #exercise
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Physical exercise is a need in today's stressful lifestyle;
although
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 it is observed that adults are not involved in sports activities as compared to when they were young. In my ,opinion the two main reasons for
this
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 are the hectic
work
Use synonyms
 environment and the increased cost of living. In
this
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 , essay I will analyze the issues and provide possible solutions. To commence with, the
work
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 and family balance has completely changed from older times. Before the age of modern technology people used to have a life outside the office, which was spent well with family and friends.
Due to
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 time constraints and other commitments at
work
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 adolescents discontinue their
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
show examples
 activity in which they used to indulge when they were young and
tension free
Add a hyphen
tension-free
show examples
. Hectic and long hours of
work
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 in front of the computer suck out all the energy from an individual, making them lazy and lethargic.
For example
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,
according to
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 the Mumbai ,Times 80% of people spend around 12 to 14 hours at their job and additional 3 hours travelling.
This
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 issue can be solved if adults prioritise their well-being above
work
Use synonyms
 and stick to a schedule for their own mental and physical development. The second reason for the absence of physical exercise is the increased cost of basic amenities and items. A middle-class single person cannot be the only breadwinner for the entire family as remuneration
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not sufficient to suffice all the needs of a family. In order to overcome
this
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 problem, both husband and wife need to
work
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 and support the family. People
work
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 two jobs and
therefore
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 are unable to dedicate time to their personal fitness. The problem can be resolved by opening green gyms in parks which will have free entry for all, even though they will be difficult to maintain. To summarize, adults should indulge in some kind of sports activity to lead a healthy and disease-free life,
although
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this
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 can lead to more effort.
Nevertheless
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, it is better to always remember that health is wealth.
Submitted by Aishwarya  on

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coherence and cohesion
The essay is well-structured and presents clear ideas. However, the logical flow of information could be improved by organizing the points in a more cohesive manner. Ensure that each paragraph logically follows the previous one, and that there is a clear transition between ideas.
task achievement
The response addresses the prompt and provides relevant examples to support the points. However, be careful to fully develop each point and ensure that the examples are closely connected to the arguments being made. Additionally, consider the impact of modern technology on physical activity for adults, as well as the social and cultural factors that may contribute to the decline in sports participation among adults.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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