IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Some people suggest that setting up more gyms will encourage people to remain active. What problems are associated with this proposal? What solutions can you offer for good health?

#people #gyms #offer #health
Public
health
 has become an important issue to be discussed by the vast majority of
people
 daily, some of them suggest that the availability of
sports
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 and gyms is a solution to encourage
people
 to remain active,
while
this
 proposal is considered to be a solution, there are many problems are associated with. In the following essay, I am going to offer some simple suggestions for good
health
.
To begin
 with, the trend of expanding
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the establishment of
sports
 clubs and gyms,
firstly
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will put more financial burdens on the budget,
meanwhile
Add a comma
,meanwhile
show examples
 in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
developing countries like Egypt, there are many other priorities to spend tax-payers money on,
Secondly
, the
sitiuation
Correct your spelling
situation
 will be much harder in crowded cities,
for example
 in my
citiy
Correct your spelling
city
, Cairo,
people
 are struggling to find small spare shops for rent rather than big ones which are suitable to open
sports
 clubs or gyms.
Finally
,
although
 folk tend to involve in
sports
 activities to keep their
health
 fit, there is a shortage of qualified trainers to work in
such
 clubs.
On the other hand
, some simple solutions can be considered for good
health
, one of them is to encourage domestic practice at homes, or in public gardens,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
create
Wrong verb form
creating
show examples
 some simple facilities in public gardens would be cheap and easy to get for most of
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
,
other
Change the wording
another
show examples
 solution is to conduct some
sports
 events on weekends,
such
 as
marthons
Correct your spelling
marathons
marathon
 or football matches.
However
, many campaigns had launched in the past to raise public awareness against smoking and decrease harm-
health
 habits,
this
 choice remains possible and active. In conclusion,
health
 is crucial but we should think about the ways that are suitable for our
circumistances
Correct your spelling
circumstances
 to keep our bodies fit
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and save money and time
Submitted by abdoo.magicoo on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: