Nowadays there is an increase in social problems involving young people because more parents spent time at work that with their children. To what extent do you agree or disagree? Give specific reasons and examples to support your answers.
In modern society,
it is clear that
there are a large number of crimes caused by teenagers. Some people assert that it is caused by a lack of supervision of children
by their parents
due to
them having to spend their time
more at the workplace according to
the cost of living, which has skyrocketed. However
, others believe that there are other reasons that create social problems.
To begin
with, there is no doubt that parents
are the mirror of their children
. It is commonly believed that adolescents who have grown up with their grandparents seem more likely to become more polite person than others. Normally, they have retired already from economic activities, so they can spend their time
with children
and they can take etiquette lessons from them. Also
, adolescence is a crucial period for establishing their morality and identity. Therefore
, It seems very important for children
to receive appropriate and proper education from adults
during this
period.
On the other hand
, some adolescent specialists claim that social media and lack of taking an ethical subject create small and large social issues. First,
nowadays, many young students are exposed to numerous stimulating content from social media. As mobile devices have become one of their lifestyles, some students watch violent videos,which abuse street animals made by video creators. Many experts assert that it could affect their awareness of the dignity of life. Furthermore
, there is one trend that there is a lack of ethics subjects in a curriculum. I believe that schools should teach adolescents morality to them become righteous adults
, not only give them academic knowledge.
To sum up
, parents
spending less time
with their children
also
creates some social issues, but schools and all other adults
should have a responsibility to teach and show children
abundant education and useful and healthy videos in order to raise children
into responsible adults
.To sum up
, parents
spending less time
with their child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
also
create some social issues, but schools and all other adults
should have a responsibility to teach and show children
abundant education and useful and healthy videos in order to raise children
into responsible adults
.Submitted by jin960524 on
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Task Achievement
Your essay effectively addresses the topic and provides a clear stance on the issue, which is a strong point. However, to further enhance your argument, ensure each paragraph supports your thesis more directly with cohesive examples and reasoning.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've used a range of linking words and organized your ideas in a logical manner, contributing to the essay's coherence. To improve, consider varying your sentence structures more to enhance readability and flow.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a nuanced perspective, acknowledging that while parental involvement is crucial, the responsibility for youth development also lies with schools and society at large, which enriches your discussion.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've used paragraphs effectively to separate your ideas, making your essay easy to follow. The introduction and conclusion are present and clearly signal the beginning and end of your discourse.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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