IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. You should write at least 254 words.

#people #government #rise #obesity #children
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Over the past few decades, there are significant changes in the lifestyle of
a human beings
Correct the article-noun agreement
human beings
a human being
show examples
. In the modern world, obesity creates serious
health
Use synonyms
 issues in
children
Use synonyms
. It is common public opinion that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 the
Government
Use synonyms
 plays a vital role in
this
Linking Words
 issue. I vehemently agree with the given statement. In the modern era,
children
Use synonyms
 like to eat more outside food rather than homely foods. To some extent, parents are
also
Linking Words
 responsible for obesity in
children
Use synonyms
. But the
Government
Use synonyms
 should be more focused on a healthy lifestyle.
For instance
Linking Words
, Authority should implement more taxes on fast food.
This
Linking Words
 will control the unhealthy eating cycle. Private shops like Mc Donalds attract
children
Use synonyms
 in a different method. They are giving offers like happy meals.
This
Linking Words
 gives a tendency to buy fast food by youngsters.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, they should provide more public parks for doing exercises. There are parks available in the streets, but the accessibility is too low. Most of the parks are away from residential areas.
As a result
Linking Words
, they became lazy.
In addition
Linking Words
 to
this
Linking Words
, from childhood onwards, the
Government
Use synonyms
 should give awareness programs and classes to
children
Use synonyms
. To cite an example, a survey conducted by the
health
Use synonyms
 authority in 2018 in India. There is an increase in the Child death rate over the year. 65% of the cause of death is Heart-related problems. So in, schools they should give equal importance to Physical activities too. they should conduct some sports activities. and give rewards to the winning person.
This
Linking Words
 will encourage
children
Use synonyms
 to do some physical activities.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
Instead
Linking Words
 of spending money on unnecessary things. The
Government
Use synonyms
 should concentrate on public
health
Use synonyms
. Hopefully, The
government
Use synonyms
 can control the global
health
Use synonyms
 issue in the future.
Submitted by anjualex444 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: