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Writing Samples
Band 5

Due to the effect of globalization, the culture of some countries are influenced by others. Some people think this is a natural process. Others think this is a threat to cultural identity. What is your opinion about this?

It is believed by some people, that the cultures of many countries have been affected by the effect of
globalization
Use synonyms
 and it is a process of nature
while
Linking Words
 others think that it is a danger to cultural uniqueness. In my opinion, I think that it is a natural incident that we are not capable of stopping, and at the same time it may
Wrong verb form
result
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results
Add the preposition
results in
results from
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 a threat to actual cultural events. On the one hand, with the improvement of the lives of people in the current technological world, the term
globalization
Use synonyms
 is not a procedure that we are not able to stop.
Hence
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, the movement of individuals from one country to another is always happening. With that, the exchange of languages, beliefs, and many other parts of a specific area or land happens increasingly. Unless prohibited by governments,
that is
Linking Words
 a process of humans that can not end by force. For,example all the countries banned travelling between countries to stop the COVID virus and at that time it helped to reduce the flow of
globalization
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, exchanging things belonging to a specific region or a country can
make
Verb problem
have
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 harmful effects on the behaviour and trust of humans,
while
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 changing the original content of the society's cultural events. Or else it can be the reason for disappearing certain values of a specific society.
For instance
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, some of the rituals that have been affected in the Buddhist culture by the Hindu religion have changed the original content since people tend to accept new changes without searching or confirming.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
globalization
Use synonyms
 is a process where individuals or groups of humans are not able to change or finish.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it
is put
Wrong verb form
puts
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 some force on culture and it is a natural flow of activities that at the same time
make
Verb problem
have
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 a bad influence on it.

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task achievement
The introduction could be clearer and more direct in presenting your opinion. Consider stating your stance more explicitly in the introduction.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea that connects logically to your overall argument. This can help improve the logical structure of your essay.
coherence cohesion
Use a wider range of linking words and phrases to enhance the flow of your writing. For example, instead of 'on the one hand,' you could use 'firstly' or 'to begin with.'
task achievement
Try to provide more diverse examples to support your points, which can help make your arguments more comprehensive.
task achievement
You have addressed both sides of the argument, which is an important aspect of the task.
task achievement
The examples you provided, especially regarding the impact of COVID-19 on globalization, show a good understanding of real-world implications.
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