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Band 5

Many countries aim to improve their living standard by economic development but some important social values are lost as a result. Do you think advantages of economic development outweigh the disadvantages.

#countries #aim #development #values
Many governments try to focus on the economic development of their countries. Some argue that it is beneficial,
however
, some
also
 believe that it is deteriorating for social values of a nation.
While
 I agree that
this
 could lead to some undesirable effects, the upside impacts of it far outweigh the downsides.
First,
a shortcoming that may occur to
this
 practice is that it promotes individualism and dwindle the social cohesion in society. The exact evidence for
this
 is how workers in a business are not close to each other and consider themselves colleagues rather than friends. In
this
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 we can see the bond among
people
 in business settings is becoming more decreasing.
Second,
society is more materialistic and may see happiness can be obtained only through money. In family cases, some individuals now prefer to work at weekends to gain more capital rather than stay at
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
home to have more time with their family.
This
 illustration depicts how
people
 now value money more than their time with family.
However
, from the perspective of macro development,
this
 means is beneficial not only for the economic sector but for other sectors as well. Health and defence are examples of sectors that have a direct correlation with finance because they
needed
Wrong verb form
need
show examples
 a considerable budget to improve their quality. The more money, the better the quality of the facilities, and the better the life
condition
Fix the agreement mistake
conditions
show examples
 that
people
 have in that country.
Additionally
,
this
 measure could provide a better education for
people
. When there is a vast budget to allocate because of the economic level, education must be better as well since it can provide many things
such
 as teachers' salaries and learning media. All in all,
although
this
 practice could trigger some problems in social relations among the society, its benefits for the country are more desirable.
Submitted by iamlearner9697 on

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task response
Task Response: The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the advantages and disadvantages of economic development in relation to social values. However, the response lacks depth and could benefit from a more focused and balanced argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence & Cohesion: The essay demonstrates a clear logical structure with well-defined introduction and conclusion. The main points are supported, and there is a good use of cohesive devices. However, the essay's organization would benefit from a more balanced development of both advantages and disadvantages to improve coherence.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • standard of living
  • economic development
  • quality of life
  • infrastructure
  • healthcare
  • education
  • job opportunities
  • unemployment
  • poverty
  • technological advancements
  • innovation
  • traditional cultural values
  • social bonds
  • material wealth
  • consumerism
  • social inequality
  • environmental conservation
  • wealth gap
  • vulnerable groups
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