IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

We cannot help everyone in the world that needs help, so we should only be concerned with our own communities and countries. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#world #communities #countries
There are a majority of
people
 in the
world
 who need help from other
individuals
. Some
people
 believe it is impossible to assist all needy societies, so it is reasonable to worry about only their communities. Personally, I completely disagree with
this
 view for several reasons. It is my view that both
people
 and government can contribute together in order to help poor
individuals
 either in their own regions or in other countries. They can make campaigns on social media
such
 as Instagram to raise public awareness about poverty and areas which need support from rich communities.
For instance
, UNICEF is one of the best organizations that advocate for needy regions.
In addition
, there are many rich
individuals
 in the
world
 who are able to assist deprived areas by creating lots of jobs in their places to get opportunities for young
people
 to have a good career so as to have
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 life.
In contrast
, there are some who think it is not possible to do
this
 position. They believe governments should prioritize their societies and that it is not necessary to import foods and clothes to deprived areas when their own
people
 deserve it. Why I think
this
 reason is not good enough is that there are many humans in the
world
 that do not have suitable places for living and healthy foods for eating,
therefore
 sharing our stuff with needy
individuals
 is the best example of humanity. In conclusion, it is true that assistance to all
people
 is difficult
however
, both governments and
individuals
 can cooperate together in order to make a happy
world
 for all humans.
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task achievement
Try to provide a more balanced argument by addressing the counter-arguments more comprehensively. This will show that you have considered different viewpoints.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of your ideas by using more transitional phrases and connectors. This helps the reader follow your argument more easily.
task achievement
Use specific and relevant examples to support your main points. This will make your argument stronger and more credible.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are clear and provide a good framework for your essay.
task achievement
You have used some good examples, such as mentioning UNICEF, to support your argument.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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