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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries people are concerned about the number of children who are overweight. Reasons and solutions.

#countries #people #children
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In
Linking Words
last
Correct article usage
the last
show examples
 decade, common health issues have increased in many countries. It is
Add an article
a complaint
the complaint
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complaint
Correct your spelling
compliant
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 by many parents that their children influence
from
Change preposition
by
show examples
 obesity
due to
Linking Words
 bad eating
habits
Use synonyms
, lack of outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 and
promoting
Replace the word
promotion
show examples
junk
Change preposition
of junk
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food
Use synonyms
 in
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the advertisement
an advertisement
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advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
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.
As per
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my point of view,
this
Linking Words
 problem can be solved by taking some important measures. It is a fact, overweight has increased
due to
Linking Words
 an array of reasons.
firstly
Linking Words
, young ones
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 improper eating
habits
Use synonyms
,
secondly
Linking Words
, addiction
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 indoor
activities
Use synonyms
 and
lastly
Linking Words
 mass promotion of fast
food
Use synonyms
 by advertising. To illustrate, kids prefer to have unhealthy
food
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as pizza,
burger
Fix the agreement mistake
burgers
show examples
 and soft drinks which contain fat
minerals
Correct word choice
and minerals
show examples
 and lack
of
Change preposition
apply
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protein and vitamins,
this
Linking Words
 has caused
due to
Linking Words
 attractive
advertisement
Fix the agreement mistake
advertisements
show examples
 in surrounding locations.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
it
show examples
 can be seen that kids like to do
activities
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as
play
Replace the word
playing
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 video games,
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
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 TV and
use
Wrong verb form
using
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mobile
Correct pronoun usage
their mobile
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 at home,
in
Change preposition
as
show examples
Correct article usage
a result
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result
Add a comma
,result
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 they spend major time in the house.
Thus
Linking Words
, many children have some
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
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such
Linking Words
 as depression,
heart
Correct word choice
and heart
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 disease which are responsible for
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
. to solve
this
Linking Words
,
school
Add an article
the school
a school
show examples
 should change their
food
Use synonyms
 system.
For instance
Linking Words
, they should allow only healthy
food
Use synonyms
 in
lunch
Add an article
a lunch
the lunch
show examples
box
Fix the agreement mistake
boxes
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as fruit, salad and sprouted beans from which children get enough energy and minerals.
furthermore
Linking Words
, parents should encourage their kids for playing outdoor games, for
that
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 government
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 already provided amenities in public parks. Not only that but
also
Linking Words
,
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is
surveyed
Replace the word
survey
show examples
 on Japanese
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 by the World Health Organization
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
revealed that
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 had good healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 and immune
system
Fix the agreement mistake
systems
show examples
due to
Linking Words
 these schooling
enforced
Wrong verb form
enforcing
show examples
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 eat only healthy
food
Use synonyms
 at their places.
To conclude
Linking Words
, Outdoor
activities
Use synonyms
 and good eating
habits
Use synonyms
 play
paramount
Add an article
a paramount
the paramount
show examples
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
 to reduce overweight. Taking support of above argument schools and parents should give proper knowledge of
food
Use synonyms
habits
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by bhavendra.bhensdadia on

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