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Band 5

Some people think that money is a one of the most essential factors in promoting happiness Do you think people can be happy without much money? What other factors contribute towards happiness?

#people #money #factors #happiness
Many people believe that
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
money
 is a major reason for happiness. But I don't think that people can be happy without
money
 in their lives now,
therefore
 so
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
proof
Change to a plural noun
proofs
show examples
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 it. First and foremost,
money
 can make everything possible and available in various situations.
For instance
, when someone from
wealthy
Correct article usage
a wealthy
show examples
 family moving place in
queue
Correct article usage
a queue
show examples
to
Change preposition
for
show examples
organ
Add an article
an organ
show examples
donor
Fix the agreement mistake
donors
show examples
,
while
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
someone can not even pay operation. Perhaps,
this
 situation can be unfair or like selfishness, it is just a material
unequally
Change the word
unequal
show examples
 injustice, that had not changed from the past. Of course,
gour
Correct your spelling
your
 own
money
 has a big impact on your quality of life. It’s going to impact everything from the kinds of food you eat, to where you live and the car you drive.
However
, these improvements will only make you happier to a point.
On the other hand
,
money
 can not always be
reason
Add an article
the reason
a reason
show examples
 for joy. It
also
 can be kind
a
Correct your spelling
of
show examples
Change preposition
of things
show examples
things
Fix the agreement mistake
thing
show examples
 like
hobby
Add an article
a hobby
show examples
, love, family, friendship or just
a little moments
Correct the article-noun agreement
little moments
a little moment
show examples
 in your life.
Such
 as victory in
competition
Correct article usage
a competition
show examples
, where you spent your valuable time and power. And
pleasure
Add an article
the pleasure
show examples
 that you take from it and
memories
Correct article usage
the memories
show examples
 that you remember will always be the happiest for short time. In conclusion, in my point of view,
money
 is a major factor, that can make us joyful, but,
nevertheless
Add a comma
,nevertheless
show examples
 there are
also
 some reasons to be happy without
money
, but they can not impact
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
happiness like
money
.
Submitted by seitbekovaarailym on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Promoting happiness
  • Essential factors
  • Financial stability
  • Material wealth
  • Personal fulfillment
  • Contentment
  • Basic needs
  • Maslow's hierarchy of needs
  • Social connections
  • Pursuing passions
  • Well-being
  • Mental health
  • Spiritual practices
  • Personal growth
  • Community service
  • Societal contribution
  • Philanthropy
  • Joy
  • Satisfaction
  • Prosperity
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