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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart above shows the number of man and woman in further education in Britain in three periods and weather they were studying full-time or part time.

The chart above shows the number of man and woman in further education in Britain in three periods and weather they were studying full-time or part time.
This
Linking Words
 bar chart depicts the number of male and female
students
Use synonyms
 in Britain who are pursuing their high education in three two-year periods comparing the full-time and part-time commitment for each interval. A glance at the graphs provided reveals the student, as an aggregate, increased throughout the span.
According to
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 what is shown, part-time male
students
Use synonyms
 were at the one million mark in the first period (1970/71)
while
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 full-time
students
Use synonyms
 were only a tenth of
this
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 figure. After getting a dip of about 130
thousand
Use synonyms
, the not fully committed
students
Use synonyms
 recovered by 60
thousand
Use synonyms
 reaching 930
thousand
Use synonyms
. The full-time dedication by man learners kept rising till it hit the 240,000 mark in the
last
Linking Words
 decade. Regarding female learners, part-time
students
Use synonyms
 rocketed substantially by 200,000 after it climbed slightly in 1980-1981 by the quarter of the
last
Linking Words
 increment.
Full-time
Add an article
The full-time
show examples
 study got more popular at the beginning of the period by 100
thousand
Use synonyms
 increase which climbed very modestly later.
To sum up
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, we could say that females numbered males in the count of
students
Use synonyms
 in 1990 contrary to what was three decades back.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "last".
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Basic structure: Change the fourth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words students, thousand with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "climbed" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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