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Band 5

schools should offer some type of physical education program to their students. to what extent do you agree or disagree?

Over the years, the approach to educating
students
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 has constantly been evolving
and
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, and
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 one of the recent
development
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developments
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 is the debate of whether
to or not
Correct word order
or not to
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 inculcate physical
education
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 of any type into
students
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' academic training
program
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programs
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. I strongly agree that
students
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 should have some sort of physical
education
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 added to their curriculum.
Firstly
Linking Words
, physical
education
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 promotes interest in physical activities. When
students
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 are
constistently
Correct your spelling
consistently
 exposed to some level of physical
education
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, they develop
interest
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an interest
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 in these activities
which
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, which
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 ordinarily they may not have had if left on their own
especially
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, especially
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,
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apply
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 with the rising shift towards
sedentary
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a sedentary
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 lifestyle.
For example
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,
students
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 would normally prefer to watch television or play video games in their spare time
but
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, but
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 if there is some form of physical
education
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 in
school
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school,
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then
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,
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apply
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 they can identify areas of interest in the physical
education
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 and
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as
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, as
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 a
result
Add a comma
result,
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 add it into their day-to-day routine
which
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, which
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 in the long run will help them combat sedentary living.
Secondly
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, it provides an outlet for relieving stress.
Students
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 who undergo
education
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 of any form occasionally are confronted with challenges which may be overwhelming and
because
Punctuation problem
, because
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 of
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this
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this,
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 develop psychological disorders which may present as anxiety or depression. Having physical
education
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 added to the training program of
students
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 presents an opportunity for them to
let
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relieve
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 some stress
out
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apply
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.
For instance
Linking Words
, it has been discovered that the level of enthusiasm and happiness in
students
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 increases after they participate in their physical
education
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 classes because it operates differently from their normal school work. In conclusion, adding physical
education
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into
Change preposition
to
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Use synonyms
students
Check wording
students'
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 learning
program
Fix the agreement mistake
programs
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 has numerous advantages and will positively influence outcomes in the
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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students
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. I concur
to
Change preposition
with
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 the proposition that it should be included in their learning schedule.

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improvement
Task: answer the question with more ideas and add simple proof or examples.
improvement
Coherence: start each part with a clear sentence and use small link words like and, but, also, then.
improvement
Grammar and form: fix small errors, use short and clean sentences so it is easy to read.
content
Clear view on PE is shown.
structure
Good use of order with First, Second, and In the end.
content
Ideas stay on topic and are easy to follow.
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