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Writing Samples
Band 7

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.

The graph and table below show the average monthly temperatures and the average number of hours of sunshine per year in three major cities.
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the line graph illustrates the average
temperature
Use synonyms
 per month,
whereas
Linking Words
 the table shows the figures for annual
hours
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 of shining in 3 cities, namely
London
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, new
york
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 and
Sydney
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.
overall
Linking Words
, in terms of monthly temperatures,
London
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 and new
york
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 witness the same trajectory,
while
Linking Words
 the figure for
Sydney
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 records the opposite pattern.
in addition
Linking Words
, the number of
hours
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 shining in new
york
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 and
Sydney
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 is roughly similar. looking at detail, in January, the
temperature
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 in new
york
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 and
London
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 account for approximately 5 and 10, respectively.
at the end
Linking Words
 of the year, the aforementioned cities reach the same pattern as in January. in July,
while
Linking Words
 new
york
Use synonyms
's
temperature
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 hits its peak of 30,
this
Linking Words
 category only fluctuates around 25 in
London
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.
in contrast
Linking Words
, at the beginning of the year, the
temperature
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 in
Sydney
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 is over 25 but drops by roughly 10 to 15 until July. afterwards,
this
Linking Words
 records an upward trend, accounting for 25 in December. regarding the shining
hours
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, new
york
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 follows the highest pattern ( 2,535), whilst
Sydney
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's shining
hours
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 make up 2.473, which is approximately double the figure in
London
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 ( 1,180)

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words temperature, hours, london, york, sydney with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "approximately" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "roughly" was used 2 times.
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