IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Most people believe money is a very important consideration when choosing a job as it can help you get a better lifestyle; however, there are some who believe it is more important to have a job you enjoy and that this, and not money, will lead to greater happiness and a more balanced personal life. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

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Money
Use synonyms
 is everything for some populations
,
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apply
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 but is not for others. Some people prefer to look for an occasion that offers a good salary for them to fulfil their needs,
while
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 others just try to do what they love because it would help them to have a peaceful life. I agree that
money
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 is a very important consideration in deciding a person's career. On the one hand,
money
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 is needed by everyone. Everything in
this
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 world,
such
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 as primary, secondary, and tertiary needs, is valued by the prize that would be paid with the
money
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.
Therefore
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, it would be a realistic reason for society to enter the work field that can fully cover their demands, like lifestyle, education, food and beverages, family, and house necessities.
For example
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, the head of a family, who has 3 children, would choose to join a company that earns an income of as much as $20.000/month.
On the other hand
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, humans think that job satisfaction is more important than
money
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.
In addition
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, they usually prioritise their happiness above doing something
due to
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 they want to have a more balanced personal life. Usually,
this
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 kind of field is not similar to workers in the firm, they do not need to dress well in formal ways and lack stress.
For example
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, to release their emotions, musicians would write a song depending on what they feel and they would get
money
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 from it.
However
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, the income in
this
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 area of working is fluctuate except for the expert one. In conclusion,
although
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 many people set their pay standard to look at the job, others might think first whether it would bring happiness or not.
However
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, I believe that cash is paramount for human life and people could
also
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 buy something that would entertain them after having enough wealth.

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task response
Consider clarifying your thesis statement. Instead of stating 'I agree that money is a very important consideration,' specify that you acknowledge both viewpoints but lean towards the importance of money due to its practical benefits. This will make your stance clearer to the reader.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph clearly connects to your thesis. For example, when discussing job satisfaction and its impact on personal life, make sure you explicitly link it back to how this might balance out the importance of having a high income.
task response
Expand on your examples to provide more detailed support for your points. For instance, when discussing the musician, explain more about how their emotional fulfillment from their job contrasts with potentially lower financial stability.
task response
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both viewpoints, which is essential for this task.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are effectively written, summing up the main points clearly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial stability
  • quality of life
  • healthcare, education, housing, and leisure activities
  • job satisfaction
  • overall well-being
  • motivation and productivity
  • positive attitude
  • personal life
  • sense of fulfillment and joy
  • balanced approach
  • compromises
  • finding a balance
  • financial stability and personal happiness
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